To build my robot, I'm using a saw from DiWallt
Welcome once again to Scott's "BattleBots" summaries. Make sure to support this site. If you don't, I could turn to a horrible life of drugs, crime, or writing detailed synopses of episodes of "Friends." (shudder)
Tonight's episode is again sponsored by Circuit City: "We know how you feel. That's why we're here." Circuit City's going to get me a date?!
Lightweights will kick off this episode -- Hexy Jr. versus Sallad. We've already met Sallad. Hexy Jr. is, simply, a smaller version of HexaDecimator. I love the easy descriptions.
You know that it's robot fightin' time. The fight starts with Sallad having the upper hand, getting its arm under Hexy Jr. It tries to lift, but slips out. Hexy Jr. tries a flip, but misses.
Hexy Jr. is spinning back and forth in place. Sallad comes over to try to get underneath again, but slides up Hexy Jr.'s side. Hexy Jr. turns around and flips Sallad onto its back.
Sallad is invertible, but now it doesn't have use of its arm. It tries to lift the arm, but that only slightly raises the robot in the air. Hexy Jr. flips Sallad back over.
Sallad pushes Hexy Jr. a bit. Hexy Jr. responds by flipping Sallad onto its back again. Hexy Jr. takes a ride over the saws, bumps into Sallad, then stops moving.
Sallad uses this opportune time to drive around in a confused manner. It looks at the motionless Hexy Jr., then drives up to it. Sallad then realizes that it's next to the flipping arm, so maybe it should approach Hexy Jr. from the side. As it does so, Hexy Jr. comes back to life.
Hexy Jr. drives around a little bit, tries a flip, but misses. Sallad seems like it doesn't know what it should be doing while inverted.
Sallad charges Hexy Jr.'s back, but just slides up the side. Tim calls Hexy Jr. "Hexy D."
Both robots spin in place a bit. Sallad begins to emit some smoke. It drives toward Hexy Jr., which flips it right side up again. Sallad attacks and drives squarely onto Hexy Jr.'s arm, so Sallad quickly finds itself inverted once more.
Then Hexy Jr. flips Sallad right side up. Hexy Jr. is doing more flipping than a New York City cab driver.
Sallad drives into Hexy Jr.'s front. Hexy Jr. raises the arm, but misses. Sallad uses the opportunity to push Hexy Jr. toward a wall. But Sallad's arm slips out, followed by its body... incomplete.
You know what we haven't seen recently? Sallad being flipped by Hexy Jr. So Hexy Jr. puts Sallad on its back.
Hexy Jr. gets under the rear end of Sallad and raises the arm. Sallad goes up, but remains on its back. Sallad keeps driving up the front wedge of Hexy Jr.
Driving. Hexy Jr. gets under Sallad's side and gives it another good toss. Back to being right side up.
An interesting situation here. Hexy Jr. gets its arm underneath Sallad. But at the same time, Sallad's arm is underneath the corner of Hexy Jr.'s body. Hexy Jr. activates the arm, which lifts both the corners of Sallad and Hexy Jr. off the floor. Hexy Jr. lands on Sallad, which gives Sallad the perfect opportunity to get something done in this fight.
Sallad isn't going to waste this chance. It shoves Hexy Jr. across the Box, into the wall. Sallad tries to readjust itself to shove Hexy Jr. around some more, but it slides out and Hexy Jr. backs into the side of Sallad. Sallad emits more smoke.
Sallad drives in a wide circle, indicating the possible loss of one of its sides. Then it just comes to a stop. Hexy Jr. flips Sallad onto its back.
Sallad is sitting on the killsaw slots. The lights blink a couple of times, but the killsaws don't show up. Sallad drives away in a big circle. The saws finally peek out as Hexy Jr. drives over them.
Sallad starts to play with that little pivoting gizmo that's in its arm. Hexy Jr. pushes Sallad a little bit. Then one final activation of Hexy Jr.'s arm. Sallad remains on its back, though. The clock reads 0:00.
The next two fights are teased. Then the filler. "Lifestyles of the Robotic and Famous" features an announcer doing what I assume to be a Robin Leach impression while many clips from builder profiles of seasons past are featured. Really -- nearly every clip in it comes from a previous episode. Yeah, we get to see Mauler destroy a bowling ball, which never gets boring, but the rest was old hat. Though it does make me wonder if I could get away with using old summaries to help fill out this one. Would anybody get mad if I started talking about Voltronic and Bacchus?
Commercials. Then seals. Then a segment about a guy named Ben Shora who doesn't have a fighting robot, but does have a house filled with lots and lots of robotic gadgets. And when you think of a house filled with robotic gadgets, what movie immediately comes to mind? If you answered "Austin Powers," then you're the person who wrote this segment.
So, yeah. A house filled with electronic stuff. There's an automated toilet, and I can't think of a joke to go with it! I'm so ashamed.
Super heavyweight fight now. Atomic Wedgie, which has been re-designed but looks the same externally, will face Maximus, which also looks the same as it did in season four. I don't think Maximus has the ability to raise its wedge, though I'm not... royal flush! That toilet is so great, it can only be described as a royal flush! Heh heh... no? Dang.
Robot fightin' time. Ooh, I like the music they're playing for this one. It's got a feel to it that... hey, that automated toilet has decorative flowers on it! I'll bet they serve as an automatic air freshener! ... Okay, I'll keep thinking about it.
Atomic Wedgie and Maximus meet, wedge-to-wedge. Some turning, and Atomic Wedgie gets a scratch on Maximus with that spinning disk. Maximus takes a couple of charges at Atomic Wedgie, but misses.
Atomic Wedgie has its disk facing Maximus, spinning at full speed. Maximus charges Atomic Wedgie, wedges under it, and SLAMS Atomic Wedgie into the Lexan right next to the red platform. My word, that was the most violent slam into the wall I've ever seen! Atomic Wedgie goes flying off to the side, now inverted.
Atomic Wedgie shakes it off and heads back toward Maximus. Maximus gets under Atomic Wedgie again and slams it into the protruding entrance ramp spike strip. Atomic Wedgie bounces into a spike strip along the wall, hitting it with the disk.
Maximus tries to get under Atomic Wedgie again. Atomic Wedgie drives into a screw.
Maximus runs into the corner of Atomic Wedgie, Atomic Wedgie slips off, and Maximus slams itself into the wall. It may only be a box with a wedge, but Maximus is violent.
Atomic Wedgie is looking kind of sluggish. Maximus drives over the saws, which pop up, take a bite into a tire, and spin the robot around.
Maximus tries to wedge under the wedge side of Atomic Wedgie. Atomic Wedgie slips off again, and they both head toward a wall. Maximus backs over the saws, which toss it. Atomic Wedgie begins to ride up a screw, causing its disk to meet the floor, producing sparks.
Maximus' wedge was lifted by the saws, so it charges Atomic Wedgie in reverse. It almost reaches Atomic Wedgie, but the saws interfere with it again.
Atomic Wedgie has its disk facing Maximus again. Maximus charges and slams Atomic Wedgie into the rear wall. Atomic Wedgie goes completely vertical, and its spinning disk hits the starting light tree. Something goes flying... They just knocked one of the lights off of the tree! It dropped and shattered on the ground! Man! Why didn't anybody point that out? Heck, where was the shattering sound effect that should have been added in post-production? They're destroying the Box!
Atomic Wedgie drives into Maximus' side, knocking the robot away. Maximus charges Atomic Wedgie again and gives it another good taste of the wall (Maximus is well-armored enough to absorb any hits from Atomic Wedgie's disk, and that backside of Atomic Wedgie gives Maximus the perfect place to shove the robot around).
Atomic Wedgie attacks with the disk. Maximus gets underneath and shoves Atomic Wedgie into a different wall. As Maximus backs up, it drives over the saws (the same saws that have been giving it trouble all fight), which flip Maximus onto its back.
Maximus drives into a screw, I'm guessing to try to right itself, since its wedge is useless when the robot is upside-down. But all that does is bring the spinning screw to a screeching halt, so Maximus resigns itself to the fact that it'll have to attack its opponent with the rear. Atomic Wedgie, meanwhile, is having trouble moving away from the wall.
Maximus debates how it wants to make its move. The ramrods pop up to inform it that it will not be making its move from that location. Maximus charges Atomic Wedgie with its rear. As it backs off, the same saws bite into it. Atomic Wedgie has lost the use of its treads on one side, so it can only move in wide circles. And the wall is getting in the way of it being able to even do that.
One of Maximus' wheels is looking really beat-up. The others don't look so great, either, to be honest. Atomic Wedgie struggles to move. Maximus pushes Atomic Wedgie against the base of a screw.
Maximus contemplates attacking Atomic Wedgie again. As it does so, some different saws pop up and push Maximus out of the way. Atomic Wedgie repeatedly drives into the base of that screw. What should Maximus do... victory spin!
Maximus spins, then moves over to the saws and spins on top of them, seemingly mocking Pete. As Maximus spins, the saws rise (of course). Maximus' upside-down wedge hits the saw blades, and something causes the Lexan cover over the saw hole to pop up and disappear someplace. The BattleBox is not faring very well in this fight.
Since Atomic Wedgie really can't move anywhere, the referee begins the countdown. Maximus, realizing that this is its last chance, rams into the side of Atomic Wedgie and pushes it across the floor, into a screw. The fight ends with Atomic Wedgie riding the screw. KO for Maximus.
During the exit interview, Rick Jolin says that Maximus... yeah, an automated toilet is cool -- until you've had too much to drink one night and you're waiting for it to slowly lift its lid. How's that? Well, too bad, because that's the best you're getting.
Commercials. Then we're told not to build without proper supervision. What, like a combat robot can hurt somebody?
So a TV crew visited Carlo Bertocchini in his shop to do a profile. But all Carlo would talk about was the tools in his shop and how BioHazard is put together. And since they left their hilarious "Scooby-Doo" props back at headquarters, they had to just edit clips of the interview into a "Metal Musings" segment where they summarize what Carlo is going to say in an on-screen graphic right before the clip of Carlo saying it. One of the on-screen graphics refers to "Drimmel tools." What?!? Drimmel? It's Dremel! Even I know that, and I've never built anything more complicated than a house made out of Popsicle sticks!
As you might have guessed, given the profile, the next fight features current heavyweight champion BioHazard. Its opponent is Greenspan, which looks sleeker than it did back in season three.
As the fight begins, Bil notes that Greenspan builder Steve Brown doesn't have too much confidence going into it. If my non-invertible hammer mill robot was facing a three-time champion titanium block with a lifting arm, I wouldn't be very confident, either, to tell the truth.
BioHazard heads toward Greenspan. Greenspan is busy spinning up its weapon, so it drives out of the way. As BioHazard tries to turn toward Greenspan, Greenspan gets its weapon against BioHazard's side. A few sparks are produced.
BioHazard runs into a seam in the floor. It then heads toward Greenspan, which backs away. BioHazard gets under Greenspan. Greenspan's body is tilted a bit, but lands back on the ground before BioHazard can deploy the lifting arm.
The two robots turn to meet face-to-face. Greenspan's weapon makes a couple more sparks on BioHazard's body. Greenspan's body then gets pulled back by the killsaws.
Greenspan drives away and hides behind some saws on the other side of the Box. BioHazard ain't bitin'. Greenspan tries to drive around the long way to the side or rear of BioHazard, getting hit by more saws in the process.
BioHazard gets under Greenspan again and pushes it toward saws. The saws pop up and grind away at Greenspan's belly while BioHazard watches.
Greenspan moves to its square in reverse. BioHazard comes over and gets under the side of Greenspan. BioHazard shoves, the arm goes up, and Greenspan goes over. The end.
After the replays, we see Steve roll a deactivated Greenspan back over onto its wheels. Maybe it's just because I have no muscle strength in my arms, but I found it impressive how easily he flipped it over. It'd be interesting to see bodybuilders bench-press robots. Especially if the robots were still running.
Commercials.
Arj makes a bad joke during the exit interview with Team Brown. Then, during the recap, we hear Arj make another really bad joke. Then Steve Brown points out that he (Steve) looks good in lingerie. If you're wondering what that was all about, it's an inside joke that refers to a picture of Steve's head on top of a model's body. I'd show you the picture, but I don't know where to find it (plus I don't need lots of e-mails from men blaming me for the fact that they'll never be able to look at any woman ever again).
The rest of the episode is credits and such. Seen it. Hey, I know, let's do some channel surfing!
On VH1 right now, they're showing "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." Yeah, it's a cult classic and all, but... I don't know, I just can't get into it. Wait, I've got it! Fighting robots! Yeah, fighting robots would make this movie better! Even if it was nothing more than Dr. Frank-N-Furter driving himself around while standing on a big brickbot, it would improve the movie so much!
Let's see what's on CBS... "Touched by an Angel." This episode is about a woman who's trying to wrap up the loose ends of her life since she's got a terminal brain tumor. Jeez, that's a huge downer. I'll bet they could at least make things a little more positive if they included some fighting robots. This would be a good place for a cameo by Dr. Inferno Jr.
On Country Music Television, it looks like they're showing "Grand Ole Opry." How come there aren't any country music songs about fighting robots? With lyrics like "I flipped my truck, but it's okay / I installed a self-righting mech today" or "Don't break my hubs, my achy-breaky hubs" or "I'm feelin' lower than Red Square's skirts"? Country music would be so much better if it was about fighting robots.
On TLC, it's "Trading Spaces." I'll bet you could use fighting robots to really improve a room's décor. Get Vladiator in there to leave some stylish rubber marks on the floor, hold Codebreaker up in the air to put a pattern on that boring old ceiling, use Deadblow to put a series of decorative holes in the wall. It would be a lot more interesting to watch than some person with a paint roller.
On the Food Channel right now, they've got "Emeril." Oh, that's easy. What better way than fighting robots to give Emeril's catchphrase of "BAM!" a whole new meaning?
On TV Land, "The Brady Bunch." Picture this: The kids build a fighting robot, but keep driving it around inside the house. Things would work out perfectly in the end -- the kids would learn an important lesson about listening to their parents when they're told not to misbehave, and viewers would learn an important lesson about why you should be careful around fighting robots! Plus, you could write in a part where one of the Brady kids gets seriously injured! I know that would make me feel better.
On SoapNet, the channel that shows old episode of soap operas, they're showing an old "General Hospital" right now. Well, related to what I just mentioned above, a patient could come in who has hurt himself while building a fighting robot. And in the middle of it all, two nurses are in love with the same doctor, who proposes that the only way to settle the matter is with a round of robot fighting.
On the Home Shopping Network... an hour devoted to Tiffany-style lighting. Okay, that's just dull. Clearly, the only solution here is to drive some fighting robots around the studio and destroy all the merchandise. That would look cool.
The Travel Channel has a special about a week-long cruise where poker players compete in a million-dollar tournament. Poker? What's so fun about watching poker? A million-dollar fighting robot tournament aboard a cruise ship would be a hundred times better.
Bravo is showing "Raiders of the Lost Ark." Mechadon would make a great danger for Indiana Jones to escape from. And tell me that the movie wouldn't be better with the line, "Horizontal spinners. Why'd it have to be horizontal spinners?"
Game Show Network is airing old episodes of "Win, Lose or Draw." Not one of the puzzles is the name of a fighting robot! And instead of using a goofy electronic telephone sound for their buzzer, they should use the sound of Nightmare hitting an opponent. That'd get your attention.
On Nickelodeon, it's "All That." It's not even worth it trying to add something to this show to make it better. The only thing to do in this situation is completely replace it with a show about fighting robots.
Let's try Fox... oh, they're airing game six of the World Series. Baseball is boring. There are so many ways to improve it with fighting robots. The outfield is huge -- why not stage some fights out there while the game is going on? Instead of "the wave," fans could perform "the OverKill." A thwackbot would do well at hitting the ball. Or you could put Mauler at the plate and simply watch it tear the ball apart. What umpire is going to argue with Mauler on a bad call?
No wonder so much of the programming on TV nowadays is garbage! It doesn't feature fighting robots!