by MSTie the WonderScott
As often happens, tonight's episode begins with hype about the upcoming fights. When they mention Patriot, they show us a shot of Sallad. When we learn that Patriot will be fighting Sallad, they show us a shot of Sallad. Now be honest -- how many of you could actually tell?
What? No sponsor plugs again? I had at least two more weeks of Wendy's jokes left!
Looks like they needed to fill some time, because here's a segment parodying the Bob Dylan "Subterranean Homesick Blues" video thing or the INXS "Need You Tonight" video or something. Carmen stands in front of a blue or green screen, holding a bunch of signs with various robotic combat-related words written on them. With only the show's music playing in the background (no singing or speaking or anything), she shows us all of the cards. It turns out that the reason she was holding the cards was to hide the fact that her top wasn't nearly large enough. The segment is pretty worthless, though here's an interesting fact -- all of those cards contain words that Carmen has mispronounced at some point during various tapings.
Tonight's first fight is between Hazard and Misty the WonderBot. As you should know, Hazard is a three-time BattleBots champion with an undefeated streak of 14 straight wins. The only thing different about its appearance at this tournament is that it now has skirts on its sides, too. If you're a middleweight, this is the robot to fear. Of course, if you're a middleweight, you're a robot with no feelings or emotions, so I don't know what I'm talking about.
Misty the WonderBot is a kind of a T-shaped robot. Its wheels are attached to the ends of the top part of the T. In the front it has a spinning blade weapon, kind of like M.O.E. I don't know how well the weapon works, but exposed wheels + Hazard = quick immobilization.
Box locked, lights on, robot fightin' time. Misty the WonderBot shows no fear (this makes sense, as I pointed out) by spinning its blade up and driving directly toward Hazard. Hazard also has its blade spinning very fast. Boom! Sparks go flying, and Hazard is knocked backward. It's hard to tell, but watching the hit in slow motion, it looks like that was mostly Misty making those sparks.
Well, it looks like Misty has taken some damage from that collision, because the robot is starting to vibrate. Hazard comes back to hit it again, and Misty vibrates even more. Misty's blade slows down a bit.
Misty continues to prove it's a robot by displaying no fear, spinning the blade up some more and going right back for more Hazard. Another big hit, and Misty is really starting to hurt. Hazard remains unscathed. You know, it's getting kind of creepy how Hazard never shows any signs of being damaged.
The two robots refuse to back down. In the next hit, Misty moves upward, landing on the top of Hazard's blade. After being bounced around for a moment, we see that Misty's blade is severely off-balance. That explains the vibrating.
Still, Misty attacks. It gets thrown across the floor, but immediately drives back for more. As Misty drives back, we see that its left wheel is extremely close to falling off. Another hit tilts the wheel even more.
Looks like Misty has lost the use of that wheel for mobility. Hazard backs up, gets its blade moving at full speed, and knocks the right wheel off of Misty the WonderBot. It'll all be over soon now.
Misty can do nothing but spin up its blade. So it does, and the robot begins to vibrate again. Hazard gives Misty another good whack. Misty vibrates, and now smoke is coming out of its right side. Misty's blade stops moving.
Hazard drives into Misty again, hitting it in the space where its wheel used to be. This causes the left wheel to pop off and bounce away. Misty is dead.
Hazard goes after Misty, who is now against the spikes. The hit stops Hazard's blade. Hazard backs off as if it's going to spin up again, but then decides to have a different kind of fun. There's a wheel-less robot sitting out there... let's push it to the sledgehammer!
The countdown begins. Hazard has a bit of trouble freeing Misty from the spikes, but then easily pushes it under the hammer. One solid blow to Misty's body before the referee reaches zero. BattleBots victory number 15 for Hazard.
Bil and Tim make their first appearance tonight to recap the fight, then introduce us to Patriot and Sallad. Patriot is a simple wedge with six wheels. Sallad is still the small box with the big arm that it uses for lifting or hitting, depending on its mood.
Robots with a solitary, lone builder fightin' time. Sallad and Patriot drive to the middle of the Box. Sallad is the one to get under Patriot, and starts to try to push it around, but Patriot falls off. Sallad doesn't leave Patriot's side, though, and keeps pushing. It forces Patriot into the wall. Looks like somebody forgot to turn on the screws for this fight.
Sallad makes a run at Patriot, but is at the wrong angle and is forced to turn around mid-charge. But the spike strip is right there... Sallad gets its side stuck under the spike strip. Oh, that's not good.
Sallad doesn't intend to lose that way, though. It swings its arm back and forth and manages to free itself. Let the fighting continue.
Sallad is on the rear of Patriot. The two separate momentarily, but then Sallad is under the front of Patriot again. Sallad's arm goes up, and so does Patriot.
A little adjusting, and Sallad has a very good hold on Patriot, its arm holding Patriot's wedge in the air and the front of its body solidly against Patriot's underbelly. Sallad pushes the helpless Patriot forward, and drives it halfway across the Box, slamming it into the spikes.
Patriot has about one of its six wheels touching part of the spike strip. It spins those wheels, the body slides down a tiny bit, and now none of Patriot's wheels are in contact with anything. The upside-down wedge is resting on the spikes and the rear wheels aren't close enough to the floor. Unless Sallad is feeling generous, Patriot is a goner.
Sallad drives to the middle of the Box and raises its arm in victory. Patriot is a goner.
You know, I'm kind of surprised that nobody on the show pointed out that a previous version of Patriot was put up for sale on eBay, purchased, and turned into everybody's favorite controversial lightweight, Slap 'Em Silly. Guess we're not going to be seeing a fight between those two this season, either.
Carmen then says some stuff about the fight, but don't worry, you won't be quizzed on anything coming out of her mouth. Some replays, and then the post-fight interviews. You won't be quizzed about those, either.
Commercials. What the hey, I'm feeling generous -- I also won't quiz you on those.
The battlebots.com plug, then another of those little statements one of the announcers makes over a shot of the San Francisco skyline. Then once again, it's the opening sequence of the Professor Electra segment. It's like they weren't expecting two quick KO's early on, and are now trying to find things to fill the time.
This time Carmen teaches us the many intricacies of losing a fight. Actually, there aren't that many, which makes for a short segment. Whoops, it looks like some footage from last season's middleweight finals snuck in there and took away valuable seconds that we could've spent staring at Carmen dressed up like a schoolgirl. Because after all, Carmen's body is what "BattleBots" is all about.
Fight number three shall be between heavyweights -- The Matador versus frenZy. Bil asks, "Who can forget in season two when frenZy used that bar to pound on Panic Attack?" Actually, that fight had slipped my mind until you brought it up again just now. If you didn't see season two, that fight was part of a special themed episode featuring three British bots that all lost their respective fights. "Comedy Central's BattleBots" -- reaching across the Atlantic to punch them in the gut.
The Matador has gone under quite a transformation over the winter. Of course, the big powerful flipping arm is still there. But now it only has one set of wheels near the front instead of the two pairs it had last time. Inertia Labs has used that extra weight to add a big wedge to the back of the robot, which keeps it from flipping itself over each time it raises the arm, and also is more difficult to tear off.
frenZy has a new hammer arm. For this fight, it also has added a long, thin metal strip sticking out of its front, riding the floor. This is designed to keep The Matador from reaching frenZy and giving it one of those gigantic flips that we're dying to see. Spoilsport.
Battle time. The Matador leaves it square, turns, and goes sliding away. Is there an opposite of traction? If there is, The Matador is exhibiting it. frenZy kind of stops and looks, thinking "what in the world?"
Since frenZy's strategy for this fight is to keep that extra bar pointed at The Matador at all costs, it stays in the middle of the Box and rotates. The Matador hides behind some saws, but frenZy isn't playing that way. So The Matador leaves and tries to drive around.
frenZy drives and gets its bar under The Matador. The Matador drives off of the bar and hides behind some different saws. frenZy still refuses to fall into that trap.
Both The Matador and frenZy drive around. The Matador would've had a clear shot at frenZy's side, but it still can't get any traction, so it just kind of skids around. Man, I'm not going to get to see my beloved flying robots if The Matador can't accurately steer.
frenZy gets its bar under The Matador and begins to swing the hammer. As it does so, it drives forward, pushing The Matador into a screw. This separates the two bots.
The Matador charges forward. The camera angle makes it hard to tell, but I think that as soon as it reaches frenZy's bar, it raises the lifting arm. However, The Matador lifts nothing but air. But it's still nice to see.
Snort! The Matador releases lots of carbon dioxide. frenZy aims for the back of The Matador, swings, and misses. frenZy backs up over some saws, taking a nick from them.
The Matador gets stuck on frenZy's bar again. Dang, that's actually working really well. frenZy only uses this opportunity to push, leaving its hammer suspiciously motionless. frenZy pushes The Matador over some saws, which raise and start to chew on its belly. The Matador raises its arm again just so it can get a bit of air to escape. Snort.
As The Matador is driving away, frenZy hammers the ground. Now its hammer is just sitting over that extra bar. I don't think that's a good thing.
Even though it's kind of covered by the hammer, frenZy sticks with the strategy of keeping the bar pointed at The Matador at all times. And it still seems to be working -- The Matador cannot get its arm underneath frenZy. The lack of traction isn't helping matters, either.
The Matador kind of almost has its arm under frenZy's body. And it's starting to push frenZy, so might as well try it. The arm goes up, but only scratches the bar, producing a couple of sparks, but no flip. Snort.
A lot of driving around. You know how it's going -- frenZy keeps its bar pointed at The Matador and The Matador can't get under its body. Plus The Matador keeps having that traction problem. At one point, a collision knocks frenZy's hammer so that the head is bent downward.
But finally... The Matador gets its arm under frenZy's body. There's the lift... frenZy goes up into the air. Its bar is under The Matador, though, so as the body of frenZy goes up, the bar flips The Matador over. frenZy lands on its side, of all places. But with the way that bar got caught, frenZy didn't get the air time it should have. I want to see heavyweights really fly!
The Matador is on its back. It retracts the arm into its body. It's time for the self-righting maneuver... Yes! That's what I wanted to see! The Matador goes up -- way up -- and lands on its front, then back on its wheels! That thing got some height to it! Wow!
It looks like frenZy's hammer really was broken a while back, because it's not self-righting. The Matador drives back to its side of the BattleBox. The countdown, and frenZy is KO'ed.
Some replays. Somebody has given the audience a bunch of roses to throw at The Matador as it exits the Box. Let's hope they didn't also give the audience stakes for Vlad the Impaler II.
Commercial break. Actually, I suppose "commercial brake" is more appropriate here.
You know how I was talking about how it feels like this episode has a little more substanceless filler than the others from this season? Here's another example. Tony Rock has forced his way upon a cable car to give his very own "BattleBots Tour." Instead of having the cable car go out of its way so he could point out anything even remotely related to actual BattleBots, he just looks at random sights and tries to tie them in to robotic combat. Most of the time. But then it ends, and we get to go back to the fights.
The super heavyweights demand equal time, so they'll get the last fight of tonight. The Judge is a simple wedge with six wheels. No Apologies is a small box with the big arm that it uses for lifting or hitting, depending on its mood.
Um, I think they used the shots of Patriot and Sallad again for this fight.
For real -- The Judge is the powerful hammerbot we all know and love. And this season, it's got black armor again! Yay! For some reason, that just makes it better. Its opponent is No Apologies, which I think is pretty much the same as it was last season. It also has a powerful hammer weapon. Good thing I likes me my hammerbots.
This is apparently a grudge match. Back when season three took place, these two robots fought, with The Judge coming out victorious. We didn't see it -- I think it might have been during the preliminaries. Anyway, No Apologies is out for revenge.
Robot poundin' time. Both of the tank-like bots drive straight toward each other. The Judge fires its hammer before the two meet. No Apologies wedges under The Judge and pushes it off to the side. The Judge fires again, but still nothing.
The Judge goes up No Apologies' wedge again, and both bots fire their weapons -- it doesn't seem like either connected, though. The only result is that the hammer heads on each bot are entangled, and the two struggle a little bit to separate.
No Apologies drives toward The Judge. The Judge fires, and the hammer lands squarely inside the shaft of No Apologies. Good hit. No Apologies lifts its self-righting arms to try to get The Judge off.
The Judge fires again, hitting No Apologies in the top armor. Some maneuvering, and No Apologies comes at The Judge from the side, hammering it.
The two move away from each other. No Apologies is more agile in moving around the box. It's turning and aiming while The Judge is slower in its movements. The Judge approaches No Apologies and fires its hammer, but misses. No Apologies also misses.
A miss by The Judge. No Apologies swings at empty air while The Judge is behind it.
A miss by The Judge. Driving. A miss by No Apologies. Driving. Hmm, perhaps I am a bit overzealous in my love of hammerbots.
Smoke begins to creep out of The Judge. Then it starts to pour out. No Apologies rams The Judge from the side and puts the spike in The Judge's shaft.
The Judge hits reverse. It swings the hammer when No Apologies comes close. It looks like The Judge can only move forward and backward -- it's not turning at all.
No Apologies pushes The Judge, turning it so The Judge is driving next to the spike strip. The spike strip leads to a sledgehammer, and No Apologies is happy to push The Judge toward it. The Judge takes two whacks before driving forward again. It's still emitting a lot of smoke.
No Apologies goes to The Judge's side and gives it another whack. It uses its self-righting arms to remove the spike. The Judge slowly drives forward.
No Apologies considers hitting The Judge again, but since they're over a set of saws, it backs off. The Judge drives off.
No Apologies turns The Judge around, and The Judge drives forward into the wall. It attacks the spike strip while No Apologies fails to position itself properly. Maybe it's all the smoke.
No Apologies moves in and fires again, getting its spike stuck on The Judge's hammer arm. No Apologies pulls The Judge back a bit. Ooh, pink smoke. That's a new color coming out of The Judge. No Apologies holds The Judge over some saw holes, but the saws are taking a nap.
Explosion! Something goes poof inside of The Judge. The two robots finally get their weapons separated, The Judge's hammer smacking the ground. It looks like that hammer is the only thing working on The Judge right now, because it's going nowhere.
No Apologies comes around and gets its spike stuck in The Judge's armor. The ref finishes his countdown, and The Judge is out.
Carmen talks, then some replays, then a shot of The Judge being given a shot of fire extinguisher.
Commercials. Man -- Nightmare, Techno Destructo, M.O.E., Ziggo, The Judge... a good number of popular robots are getting eliminated early in the tournament. And I've just learned that Toro is going to be in next week's episode -- this worries me.
An interview with No Apologies' team, then the recaps. The Matador's next opponent will be Warhead. Oh yeah, that puts me at ease.
The episode ends with Bil just dying to sing. Fortunately, he refrains. From singing. He doesn't do a refrain.
You know how earlier in the summary, I was telling you about things you wouldn't be quizzed on? I wasn't fooling around -- there is a quiz. You have until the end of the class period to complete it. Turn it in at the desk before leaving and don't forget to put your name at the top.
Which of these annoying things was NOT missing from today's episode?
A. Ads drawn on the BattleBox walls in post-production
B. That annoying sequence where they would show both drivers' faces while the lights were turning green
C. The battle stats
D. Carmen saying lines that contributed nothing to the episode
In Carmen's post-fight ramblings, why is she wearing a pink top for the Patriot vs. Sallad fight, then presumably changed clothes for the The Matador vs. frenZy fight, then changed back to the pink top for the The Judge vs. No Apologies fight?
A. She was having several arguments with the wardrobe person
B. She was going to keep wearing the second top, but accidentally spilled styling gel on it
C. She kept using wardrobe changes as an excuse to get away from the pits
D. She forgot she had already worn the pink top earlier in the show -- otherwise she never would've made such a mistake
No, I mean really. These fights were all pretty early in the tree, right? Wouldn't she have taped them all at one time?
A. If you're worrying about when segments were taped, then you're worrying about the wrong thing
B. If you're worried about what the people on the show are wearing, then you're worried about the wrong thing
C. If you're worried about what's on top of Carmen's skin, then you're worried about the wrong thing
D. If you're actually paying attention to Carmen, then you're watching the wrong thing
What would you do if Tony Rock hijacked your cable car ride through San Francisco?
A. Listen to his commentary and hope for the best
B. Quickly force myself to fall asleep if he starts trying to relate things to BattleBots
C. Heckle him
D. Jump -- cable cars don't move that fast
So why did Slap 'Em Silly put that big spike in the back when they modified Patriot? It's not like such a large spike would be useful in combat.
A. It looks like a tail -- they were originally going to paint it like a dog
B. It looks like a pointy nose -- they were originally going to paint it like a face
C. It looks like a stem -- they were originally going to paint it like a pumpkin
D. It looks like an extended middle finger -- they were originally going to paint it like a hand
When you have to type frenZy's name over and over again in a short space, does it bug you that the capitalization is all weird?
A. Yeah. I'm glad it's out of the tournament.
B. Not as much as having the capitalize the word "The" for The Judge and The Matador
C. frenZy's name is capitalized weird?
D. I'm a normal person. I never have to type frenZy's name over and over again
What in the world is Comedy Central thinking by putting "Crank Yankers" in the 10:30 slot after "BattleBots" this week?
A. They had originally planned to put a different show there, but plans were changed at the last minute and "Crank Yankers" was just used to fill the space
B. They felt that "South Park" is overexposed
C. They're trying to expose their traditional "BattleBots" audience to "Crank Yankers" and their traditional "Crank Yankers" audience to "BattleBots" in an effort to gain additional ratings from each of these two different groups
D. They have been ingesting drugs
How in the world does Hazard maintain its winning streak?
A. Carefully planned and well-executed design and construction
B. Driving that aims for specific weaknesses on opponents
C. Blackmail
D. Deal with the devil