Episode 9

Again, they start with the roll call. Then the spot where they'd put advertisers' logos, if they had any. Then into the opening sequence. Are they stalling for time because they misplaced the footage of the first fight or something?

Looks like they found something. Let's start with a heavyweight match. We've seen The Matador and we've seen M.O.E. They're going to fight. M.O.E. has gone from Knome II status to being feared like Ziggo -- quite a transformation over one summer. And now I can't make fun of it anymore. Well, I could, but they could tear my ankles off with that robot if I did.

Time to make the robots fight. The Matador shoots out of its square while M.O.E. stays and spins the weapon. By the time The Matador reaches M.O.E., the bar is up to speed, so The Matador beats a hasty retreat. Looks like The Matador is having trouble getting traction with those wheels -- it's sliding around like Vladiator.

Okay, okay, I'll stop with the confusing robot comparisons. Sheesh.

The Matador is running from M.O.E. now, and gets hung up as a saw lifts it. M.O.E. approaches, but The Matador retreats before contact is made.

A little positioning, and M.O.E. delivers a hit to the front of The Matador. The Matador is spun around. It then gives a pop with the lifting arm to make sure that's still functional. It is, but as The Matador is in the air from the power of that arm, M.O.E. hits it in the side.

The Matador looks stunned. M.O.E. hits it in the front right wheel. Then M.O.E. hits The Matador in the rear right wheel, and the wheel goes flying off!

As the wheel settles on the other side of the BattleBox, The Matador shows us that the lifting arm is still working nicely. But with three wheels, it's a little harder to drive. M.O.E. hits The Matador in the rear.

M.O.E. aims for the front left wheel of The Matador. And rips it clean off, too! Wheels are being flung all over the place. And now the front right wheel looks like it's about to fall off.

Now The Matador has just two wheels on opposite sides, but it can still drive. M.O.E. chews on the rear of The Matador. The Matador turns, and M.O.E. drives toward The Matador's front. When M.O.E. approaches, The Matador raises the lifting arm. M.O.E. hits The Matador in the arm, but The Matador manages to flip M.O.E.

M.O.E. is invertable, so that's no big deal. The Matador has some trouble lowering the arm. M.O.E. tries to take off another wheel, but can't. The Matador gives a half-powered lift to the air.

One of The Matador's sponsor stickers is on the floor now. M.O.E. goes back to the tires, and the rear left wheel goes flying, broken! Okay, The Matador is pretty much screwed now.

Looks like a tap-out, as M.O.E. powers down its weapon and performs some victory spins. The Matador is counted out, and M.O.E. is still spinning. Buzzer.

Wow, we went over four minutes without having to hear Carmen Electra. She's in the audience, and they're not paying any attention to her. She tells us that stompbots are ready for action. Yes, and how many stompbots have we seen at this tournament? One?

Forget it. Let's just watch a middleweight quarterfinal match. It's Hazard versus El Diablo. Gee, I wonder which will win.

Buzz, buzz, buzz, fight. Hazard's blade soon becomes transparent from spinning so fast. El Diablo approaches Hazard with the spinning drum. El Diablo goes at Hazard's side, but wouldn't you know it, the blade is in the way. The smack stops El Diablo's drum, and I'm guessing that's the last we'll be seeing of that.

Hazard hits the drum again, then escapes to make the blade go faster. El Diablo goes after Hazard with the spikes on the back, now. When El Diablo approaches, Hazard smacks the robot in the side.

That hit appears to have disabled the tread on one side of El Diablo. Another hit knocks the tread off its track. Then Hazard hits El Diablo in the drum again, knocking it off its base. Hazard hits the drum again, knocking it way off center.

There's a white powder all over the floor that came out of the drum. El Diablo is counted out (another tap-out). Hazard remains undefeated.

As they go to commercial, random people tell us what their robot would look like. It's not entertaining in the least, but it beats having Carmen Electra sultrily say "activate my speed controller" or something.

Wanna see a segment about giant nuts? Well, too bad, because they're going to show one anyway. Turns out the things are made of metal. Who knew.

Time for another heavyweight fight. OverKill is the same as it was last season. MechaVore has its spinning disk working again.

The fight starts with both bots playing shy. OverKill inches out of its square and kind of starts to turn. MechaVore spins up, inches out of its square, and looks at OverKill. MechaVore slowly approaches OverKill.

Suddenly the space-time continuum has fixed itself, as the robots abruptly begin moving at normal speeds again. OverKill tries to hit MechaVore's disk with the big blade, but there's no connection.

MechaVore tries to touch OverKill while OverKill gets hung up on a saw. There's a brief connection between MechaVore's disk and the end of OverKill's blade, but no apparent damage to either bot. OverKill swings the blade a couple of times. MechaVore comes in and puts a big gash in OverKill's blade!

That large hit has stalled MechaVore's weapon, though, so OverKill comes in with the wedge and starts to push. After MechaVore has driven itself onto the saws, OverKill pushes it under a sledgehammer.

MechaVore escapes and the two head toward the middle of the fighting space. MechaVore manages to flip OverKill upside-down. The blade doesn't seem to be swinging as well as it usually does when the bot is inverted.

OverKill runs away from MechaVore. MechaVore chases after OverKill with the non-spinning disk. MechaVore drives onto some saws. OverKill comes over and pushes MechaVore a little bit after that.

OverKill wedges under MechaVore. MechaVore's disk gets hit by a saw.

Driving. Neither robot has a functioning weapon right now.

OverKill tries to wedge under MechaVore, but doesn't push it very far. MechaVore tries spinning in one place as a strategy. It doesn't work.

OverKill gets under MechaVore again, and drives it in a circle, depositing it on the saws.

OverKill pushes MechaVore into the wall. MechaVore escapes by driving under a sledgehammer. OverKill drives itself into the wall.

Some more pushing, and time runs out. Christian Carlberg hams it up for the camera.

OverKill is the winner, 29-16. We get to see a close-up of the cuts put into OverKill's blade. Yipes.

Commercials.

Ooh, now I wish I wasn't watching the television. Brad and Arj are in the studio to "discuss" whether the BattleBox hazards are a good thing or a bad thing. What they do in reality is way too much overacting and a lot of staring at the camera while they read their lines. Then Tim pretends to give an answer. Then Carmen interrupts, unannounced, to tell us that a quarterfinal fight is coming up. Man, I never thought I'd be glad to see her.

Remember BioHazard? Yeah, it is in this tournament. It'll fight Nightmare. Two seasons ago, these two fought, with BioHazard the winner. Rematch!

The box is time, the lights are locked, it's robot fightin' on. BioHazard approaches Nightmare, then presents the spinner with the side of the robot. "Hit me right here!" BioHazard seems to be saying. It drives out of the way before Nightmare takes it up on the offer, though.

Nightmare and BioHazard meet head-to-head. Sparks shoot out as the two make contact. BioHazard's arm lifts, but Nightmare has already bounced away. What is with that annoying squeaky sound effect they keep playing whenever there's a collision?

Another hit to the front of BioHazard by Nightmare. We can see that the lower lip of BioHazard's arm has been bent upward.

Nightmare's disk spins down. BioHazard drives under one of Nightmare's wheels, tipping the bot, but drives through, putting Nightmare back on the ground.

BioHazard gets back under Nightmare, this time with a firmer hold. It chooses to ignore the lifting arm and just pushes Nightmare into the wall. Nightmare is near a sledgehammer, and BioHazard is aiming to push it underneath. Same hammer as the last time they fought -- we could be experiencing some more déjà vu.

BioHazard tries, but only succeeds in pushing Nightmare back out of the way of the hammer. Both bots flirt with some saws. You can still see El Diablo's drum powder sitting on the floor.

BioHazard tries to get under Nightmare to lift it, but Nightmare has such a unique shape that there's really nowhere for BioHazard to effectively stick itself. BioHazard gets under Nightmare to use it as an umbrella of sorts, but when BioHazard raises the arm, it can't flip Nightmare. It does push Nightmare toward some saws, though. Too bad BioHazard takes the hit.

BioHazard still has its arm up. It drives toward Nightmare but gets a skirt worked on by the saws. It looks like Nightmare is using the rear of its body to push BioHazard a little bit, onto the saws. A strong hit from the saws to the underbelly of BioHazard separates the two.

BioHazard retracts its arm, though it is still sticking out a bit now. It drives into Nightmare, gets the arm underneath, lifts, tips Nightmare in the air, and slams Nightmare into the wall. Nightmare slides off BioHazard's arm and drives off.

BioHazard leaves the arm up and goes after Nightmare. It tries to push Nightmare into another wall, but every time it moves forward, the saws pop up to get in its way. BioHazard moves back and tries for a new angle.

BioHazard drives into the side of Nightmare and handily pushes it into the wall. Nightmare is tilted, but definitely not flipped. Nightmare spins the tire touching the ground and escapes. Both robots are hit by the saws.

The last seconds consist of the two robots trying to push each other. The judges will have to determine a winner.

The judges have chosen BioHazard, 32-13. Instead of watching these commercials, visit comedycentral.com.

The last segment of the half hour consists of interview snippets and fight recaps. This whole page is a recap, so I guess a recap of the recaps would be kind of redundant.

After the roll call, we learn that we get more heavyweights in this half hour. I guess that beats more lightweights or super heavyweights.

It's a British battle -- KillerHurtz versus Little Sister. KillerHurtz has some anti-flipper skirts on its sides. Little Sister has some anti-hammer Lexan on top.

Three, two, one, activate. The robots waste no time in meeting one another. KillerHurtz swings and misses; Little Sister lifts and upends.

Before KillerHurtz can self-right, Little Sister pushes it under the sledgehammer. The hammer gets one hit in, then KillerHurtz rights itself. Then another hammer blow. Then KillerHurtz gets away.

KillerHurtz is not as wily now. Little Sister tries another flip -- KillerHurtz is tipped onto its side and turned around, but it falls back on its wheels (you get nauseous watching this from the viewpoint of the camera inside KillerHurtz). Little Sister still has its body underneath KillerHurtz, so she pushes her into the wall (this is one of the few fights where both robots are female).

KillerHurtz swings the axe a few times to get free. After sitting on the saws, KillerHurtz realizes that it would be a good idea to move. KillerHurtz approaches Little Sister, which has suddenly stopped moving.

When KillerHurtz swings the axe, Little Sister raises the lifting arm. Nothing happens to either. Little Sister still isn't driving anywhere. KillerHurtz repositions and starts wailing on the top of Little Sister's armor. No visible damage, though.

Little Sister is counted out. That was odd -- I wonder how it died.

Well, I guess we're not going to find out, because it's time to listen to Carmen. Ah, robot mayhem is coming up. I didn't realize that.

Let's put Shark Byte and HexaDecimator in the ring. This is another rematch, as these two fought each other last season, as well. Shark Byte's looking for revenge.

Even though the camera zooms in too far, we know it's robot fightin' time. Shark Byte spins up in its square. HexaDecimator approaches from an angle. Shark Byte looks like it's having trouble getting up to full speed. It runs away while HexaDecimator chases it.

HexaDecimator gets under Shark Byte and tries a flip. Shark Byte spins around on its rim, but doesn't flip over. HexaDecimator tries again, but still no dice. HexaDecimator's flipping arm rests on Shark Byte. Shark Byte starts to spin up, hitting the arm.

Another flipping attempt, but Shark Byte refuses to go over. Another flip, but still nothing. When Shark Byte hits HexaDecimator with the spinning blades, they stop spinning. Something's got to be wrong with the spinner, as it's much weaker than usual.

HexaDecimator lets the saws produce some white titanium sparks on its underbelly. Then it tries another flip on Shark Byte. Success! Shark Byte goes over, and can't self-right. HexaDecimator goes to the center of the box and spins. Shark Byte is counted out.

Interview. HexaDecimator's team is glad Shark Byte wasn't feeling well.

Again, Carmen suggests that we feel the steel. Heck, why don't we just put our tongues right up against it?

Commercials, battlebots.com plug. The same builders that we've met so many times this season tell us that they spend a lot of time on their bots. So much of their lives poured into entertaining me. I truly am touched by their generosity.

Yes, I know they're doing it because they find it fun. Can't I be self-centered once in a while?

A segment where Patrick Campbell's interior designer wife pretends to redecorate his garage. It left me confused. Um, how about a fight?

frenZy looks about the same as it has in past seasons -- a large pill-shaped robot with a long-armed hammer sticking out of the center that can land on either side of the robot. Slam Job is its opponent. Hope you like overhead hammer action.

Does everyone know what time it is? It's robot fightin' time! Slam Job quickly leaves its square. I'd like to tell you what frenZy is doing, but the camera has left it out of the frame.

The first we see of frenZy is what we see from its onboard camera. Some swings and misses from both bots. frenZy is flipped onto its back -- from what? It almost looks like frenZy did that to itself.

This season, frenZy has its name printed on its lower armor. Remember the name of this robot as it lies inverted.

frenZy rights itself. Slam Job pushes frenZy toward a sledgehammer. frenZy takes a hit. Slam Job puts its hammer in the middle of frenZy and pushes it toward a wall. frenZy escapes.

Neither robot appears able to damage the other with its hammer. Please bear with me; this is going to be a pain to transcribe.

Slam Job tries pushing frenZy with the back of the robot, but frenZy just hits Slam Job while it's doing so. So Slam Job moves away.

Between some nearby saws and an approaching Slam Job, frenZy is flipped again. It tries to self-right, but Slam Job puts its hammer in the way. After a little effort, frenZy briefly gets back up, but is immediately flipped again by the saws.

frenZy rights again. Slam Job quickly pushes it into the wall, rolling it onto everyone's favorite entrance ramp.

frenZy escapes and drives onto some saws. It's having trouble aiming that long hammer at Slam Job. Slam Job again buries its hammer in the center of frenZy, where all the electronics can be reached. Haven't seen anything out of the minicam on frenZy lately -- did it break?

Slam Job pushes frenZy around a little, since it's easy with the hammer in there. frenZy whacks away at Slam Job in the meantime, putting dents in Slam Job's armor. Slam Job gets its hammer out of frenZy, then pushes it into another wall.

Some driving around, some hammer swinging. Slam Job pushes frenZy a bit. Neither is hit by some imposing nearby hazards. Slam Job pushes frenZy some more. frenZy has decided to quit swinging its hammer for some reason.

Slam Job gets its hammer in frenZy's center again and drags it around. frenZy keeps swinging at Slam Job, adding more dents to the armor. Slam Job pushes frenZy against the wall. While frenZy is pinned there, the two take turns hitting the other with their hammers. Slam Job backs off.

frenZy drives over two sets of saws. No more big hits (there were any?) before time runs out.

It's a split decision. The 23-22 victory goes to Slam Job. Scott Kincaid jumps around, then everyone shakes hands.

As they go to commercial, we see some of the cheerleaders improvising. Tee hee, "Gooooooooo BattleBots" is funny!

A segment listing every single thing you think of when you think of San Francisco. Except that. Rice-a-Roni gets a free plug.

An eighth fight in the hour? Wow. I guess this makes up for only having six fights in episode seven.

I'm sure you all remember KillerHurtz from twenty minutes ago. It'll face Surgeon General, which we've also seen this season.

Mark Beiro slurs Surgeon General's name. Huh? Surgeon Genital? That's unpleasant to think about.

The fight starts, and no one moves. Then the robots realize that green means go, so they do. KillerHurtz takes an early hit from Surgeon General's blade, and that slows the blade down. KillerHurtz absorbs a couple more hits, and now Surgeon General is easily approachable. It also is sitting on top of the saws, which merrily knick it in the rear.

Surgeon General seems to have this problem where it'll lose contact with the floor all of a sudden, or something. 'Cause once again, it isn't moving early in the fight. Of course, KillerHurtz isn't moving much, either. Aw, isn't that cute, they've tuckered themselves out.

Suddenly, the disk on Surgeon General whips up to speed. KillerHurtz kind of prods Surgeon General, and the two start moving again. KillerHurtz takes a swing, but doesn't puncture Surgeon General. Surgeon General spins around and aims for KillerHurtz's side. The spinning disk connects, rips a big gash in the Lexan armor, and causes something internal to explode and spew gas all over.

KillerHurtz stops moving. Surgeon General moves over to the other side and tears into that Lexan panel, sending shards of armor all over the place. Surgeon General then aims for the resting axe head, but I'm guessing the KillerHurtz team tapped out very quickly, since Surgeon General pulls back at the last minute. A wheel from KillerHurtz goes rolling by.

No wonder they had time for an eighth fight. This one is over.

Commercials. You've seen them all before, I'm sure.

Some recaps of what we've seen in this half hour.

And oh yeah, OverKill defeated M.O.E. in a quarterfinal. Well, bye!

One more episode to go this season. The middleweight and heavyweight semis are shaping up to contain some interesting fights. Don't believe me? Well, read these spoilers of next week's episode:

After failing to repair the replacement blade that was damaged in the fight against M.O.E., OverKill hastily attached a long 8" by 8" block of wood covered in bubble wrap to the pivoting part of the robot. Surprisingly, it caused more damage than the blade ever did.

The Complete Control versus Zion semifinal was spectacular to watch. During the fight, Zion accidentally hit one of the spinners, lifting it out of its base (as happens so often). Complete Control, bored with the fight, went over to the now non-functioning spinner and grabbed the disk with its lifting forks, breaking it off its axle. Complete Control then spun around really fast to fling the disk at Zion just as Zion raised its lifting arm in the air. The flying disk snapped Zion's arm off, giving Complete Control an easy victory. The disk also embedded itself in the first sheet of Lexan making up the BattleBox wall. Fighting needed to be suspended for four hours while clean-up crews arrived to remove the byproducts of the audience's reaction. They didn't need any warning signs to keep people from coming in -- they simply propped BioHazard up against the wall.

While outside, a new game was invented called "Whyachi ball." After signing a waiver, participants would take sheets of aluminum to use as paddles/shields. Son of Whyachi had its spinner raised to maximum height, then was placed in the center of a parking lot. The robot was spun up, and the goal was to force the out-of-control machine into the opponent's goal (marked by used military equipment). After Son of Whyachi accidentally flew into the bay at one point, the game was modified, using Mauler as the puck. When the audience was allowed back into the building, the winner was Robert Donaldson, who only lost his left arm.

Due to a scheduling error, they accidentally placed Hazard against Tazbot in the heavyweight quarterfinals. Hazard KO'ed Tazbot in under two minutes, then went on to win the heavyweight title. The officials in charge of the event were going to take the title away when it was revealed that Hazard was underweight until Tony Buchignani threatened them with, "Hazard knows where you live." Hazard became the first BattleBot to win a title in multiple weight classes. Unless LaMachine already did. Hazard offered to take on LaMachine to settle this once and for all.

Since Hazard was busy in the heavyweight division, BioHazard was left to fight in the middleweights. It handily defeated Heavy Metal Noise. However, in the finals, Complete Control managed to get under the former champion and started to flip it over. Unfortunately, as the flip took place, Pete continued to press down on the button for a set of killsaws that weren't responding, as he had been doing for a full minute. The saws exploded directly underneath the two robots. When the smoke cleared, neither robot was capable of movement, so Hazard was declared the winner.

Back to index