Episode 6

The two waste no time heading for one another. The Judge gets the first hit in, wailing on Toro's side, then the top of Toro's lifting arm. While The Judge is up there, Toro raises the arm and flips The Judge onto its back.

Normally, The Judge would immediately right itself in this situation. However, something has gone wrong. The hammer is bent and it's not moving. Toro moves over to The Judge's side, just in case.

The Judge is spinning its wheels, but that doesn't fix the broken hammer arm. Toro leaves the scene, back to its square. The Judge is counted out. Who'd have expected the fight to be so short?

The opening sequence rolls. Still the same two featured sponsors. Hey, as long as there's no annoying talking Chihuahua, I'm happy.

A quick shot of the pits. Someone brought potted plants to put on their pit table. It does brighten the place up.

Talk about the fight we just saw, et cetera et cetera, and it's time for a builder profile. Tom Griffin of Ogre gets his very own, very flattering, dating service video. Don't bother waiting for the rerun to see him, ladies -- from the first time this one aired, I'm sure his personal calendar is now backed up to 2004.

One of the honeys who I'm sure wants to be seen with Tom Griffin is Carmen Electra, and she's in the audience spouting nonsense. She says, "So if it's all right with you guys, I'm gonna cut this one off short so that I can have a good spot to watch." We're all really disappointed, but... okay, if you have to.

Ogre will face Techno Destructo in this match. Techno Destructo is shaped the same as last time, but now it's painted neon green. If there's a power failure in the studio, it'll be able to light the way to the exit.

Once again, it's robot fighting time. Techno Destructo starts by weaving way to its right, leaving a confused, charging Ogre. Techno Destructo makes a sharp turn and goes right for Ogre's side. The maneuver was a success, but the attempt to flip Ogre afterward doesn't go so well.

Techno Destructo has a small camera inside of it. Bil's microphone shorts out as he drools all over it from seeing the shot from Techno Destructo's point of view.

The robots meet again. Ogre activates the lifting spikes, but the spikes need to be under Techno Destructo for that to help. Techno Destructo gets under Ogre and lifts. Ogre is tipped onto its rear but doesn't flip all the way over. The saws pop up underneath Techno Destructo, which drives off. As a result of lifting the arm, Techno Destructo releases a huge cloud of CO₂. Subliminal cigarette advertising on "BattleBots!"

Ogre charges at Techno Destructo. It drives up onto Techno Destructo's lifting arm, and Techno Destructo wastes no time in flipping Ogre into the air and onto its back.

Orge, invertable, takes a moment so its driver can switch over to driving it properly. Techno Destructo tries to get under Ogre again. Ogre's lifting spikes raise (well, they lower now), bringing the front wheels off the ground. Techno Destructo chooses not to fire the arm again.

Techno Destructo gets over to Ogre's side again, ready to flip. But those pesky killsaws pop up, pushing Techno Destructo just enough to miss Ogre with the arm. Ogre gets under Techno Destructo's raised arm, ready for a pushing match.

Techno Destructo wasn't completely designed for a pushing match, so Ogre shoves it under the nearest sledgehammer. Techno Destructo takes a few shots, but doesn't get hurt. It does drive over a saw while leaving, though.

Techno Destructo seems to be having a little trouble moving in the right direction. Looks like one of its wheels is not spinning as fast as the other one now, as Techno Destructo looks like a drunk trying to walk the line. It does manage to reach Ogre, giving the robot another shot with the arm. The arm is weaker now, as Ogre is barely lifted off the ground. Lots more CO₂ from Techno Destructo.

Techno Destructo adjusts itself, and the arm works well again. Thanks to that lifting arm, Ogre does kind of a cartwheel into the sledgehammer. Ogre wastes no time in getting its robotic butt out of there.

Speaking of trouble with one side of the bot, Ogre is going in circles, too. Ogre drives under the hammer while trying to figure out how to move forward again. Techno Destructo weaves back over to Ogre but misses flipping it.

Another miss by Techno Destructo. The saws pop up and don't miss, chewing on Techno Destructo's wheel. Techno Destructo moves around to Ogre's back. One miss and one non-miss, tipping Ogre up but not over. Techno Destructo lifts and pushes Ogre back under the hammer. Some nice hits to the middle of Ogre. Ogre leaves. Techno Destructo keeps on Ogre, lifting it again.

Ogre moves a little bit, then stops. Techno Destructo staggers around the box. Ogre moves the spikes, but that's all. Techno Destructo decides that a victory spin looks better. Time runs out. Please enjoy this shot that shows you what it would look like if there was a small Tilt-A-Whirl inside the BattleBox.

Commercials. And -- why not -- a shot of a fortune cookie factory.

Another builder profile. This one's about how Anthony Elder looks for BattleBot parts at a junkyard. This one's not so much funny as it is color-filtered and blurry.

It's heavyweights Junkyard Offspring and Nightmare. Junkyard Offspring has a unique weapon -- two spikes that thrust in and out very quickly, like a sewing machine. By some bizarre stroke of luck, we don't have to see Nightmare obliterating Slam Job again.

The battle is on. Junkyard Offspring looks a little unsure in its driving. Nightmare spins up and steadily approaches Junkyard Offspring. A hit to the side of Junkyard Offspring. Junkyard Offspring retreats.

Nightmare doesn't seem particularly worried about Junkyard Offspring's spikes. Calmly, smoothly, like a boa constrictor, it moves toward Junkyard Offspring again. Some more hits, and pieces of Junkyard Offspring's Lexan armor go flying away.

Nightmare gets a little more into the fight, almost tipping itself with a turn. Another hit to Junkyard Offspring's side. Junkyard Offspring tries to use the spikes on Nightmare's wheel, but nothing seems to happen. Nightmare points at Junkyard Offspring's front, moves forward, and chews away at its armor, sending small chips flying everywhere. The disk slows down. Junkyard Offspring presses forward, hoping to hit something with those spikes. Failing that, Junkyard Offspring just pushes Nightmare backward. Nightmare escapes.

The disk is back up to speed and Nightmare rips part of Junkyard Offspring's frame. Junkyard Offspring makes a run at one of Nightmare's wheels. This is probably the best strategy for the robot, as it almost forces Nightmare to flip over. But Nightmare lands back on its wheels, angered.

More attacks on the frame of Junkyard Offspring. Junkyard Offspring sill works, though, and its weapon is still going. Unfortunately for Junkyard Offspring, Nightmare is the one landing all of the hits. A strong hit by Nightmare to the front of Junkyard Offspring. The bar containing the weapon is bent upward and the entire robot quits moving.

Nightmare is up to full speed, but as Junkyard Offspring is counted out, returns to its square. The buzzer sounds. Junkyard Offspring starts to smoke. After a tough fight, Junkyard Offspring likes to relax with the mild taste of Rugged cigarettes. Rugged. For the 200-pound, radio-controlled warrior in all of us.

During Jim Smentowski's interview, we're told a fun fact -- when Nightmare was chewing on Junkyard Offspring, one of the flying pieces flew up and knocked out the video camera on the BattleBox's ceiling. Watch out, cameramen on the sides of the box -- Jim's after you next.

Commercials. More super heavyweights coming up. Sorry, middleweights -- we've forgotten about you.

A segment where we learn how much some of the robots cost to build. The least expensive one was Junkyard Offspring, at $1,000. And during the previous profile he said he wasn't spending any money.

It's the fight between two robots you can get in toy form -- Ronin versus Diesector. Ronin has replaced the saw blade with a horizontal Minion-style disk. Diesector has replaced the chisel-type things with larger sledgehammers. Great, now I've got to find some of those little plastic camera film holders to stick on my RC toy.

You know what time it is. Diesector heads toward Ronin. Ronin waits a moment to spin the weapon. Ronin has a little camera inside of it. It's not a weapon, but it puts Bil on its side.

Diesector gets the jaws under one of Ronin's treads and starts to whack Ronin with a hammer. Diesector takes early control of the fight, lifting the tread entirely off the ground, pushing, and hitting. Ronin tries to lift the disk, but that doesn't help. The lifted tread is tilted way out of alignment with the one on the ground, but that's okay, since Ronin was designed to do that. It sure makes it look mangled, though.

Diesector pushes Ronin around, forcing the disk into the floor. Ronin is slammed into the wall, and Diesector lets it go. No, Ronin didn't lose its flags -- they were just removed for the fight.

Diesector opens its jaws and heads for Ronin again. It hits Ronin in the front. The disk hits Diesector, and Diesector thinks better of that plan. It heads around to Ronin's side. Ronin escapes before Diesector can capture it, though.

Another attempt to clamp Ronin, but again, Ronin escapes. Diesector goes back to wedge mode. This works better, as Diesector pushes Ronin onto the saws a couple of times. Diesector runs off to open the jaws again as Ronin kind of moves around.

Diesector is back, and this time clamps down on one of Ronin's treads. A shot from one of Diesector's hammers. Diesector tries to drag Ronin backward, but it doesn't quite work. Diesector opens the jaws again and Ronin just spins in place. Looks like a dead tread from here.

Diesector chomps on Ronin once more and pushes it into the wall. Diesector leaves and turns into a wedge again. A few hits into the side. Then Diesector gets under Ronin's disk, shoving the body upward. As Diesector pushes Ronin toward a sledgehammer, we're treated to a shot of the BattleBox ceiling.

Diesector pushes Ronin into the wall, actually. A few more shoves while Ronin is more or less pinned. As time runs out, Ronin's disk is chewing into the spike strip. Diesector dances.

It's not a knockout, but we're to assume Diesector won. Commercials.

For the post-fight interview, Donald Hutson and Peter Abrahamson recreate the fight using the Diesector Grip 'n Grappler and the Ronin Battle Basher. Ronin's a lot more active in the recreation.

Bil recaps the fights we saw in this half hour. Then he says good-bye, and the "BattleBots Update" again recaps the fights we saw in this half hour. No redundancy here. Wait a minute, was Jim Smentowski interviewed by both Carmen Electra and Arj Barker after that fight?

It's all super heavyweights in the second half of the episode. Looks like they're trying to get those out of the way next.

In fact, we'll be seeing some super heavyweight quarterfinal matches here. Carmen does whatever it is she does, and we get started.

It's Odin II versus New Cruelty. Odin II looks to be inspired by Hazard. New Cruelty is an eight-wheeled box with a scoop-like object on the front.

Shot of John McKenzie making a comment. Shot of Richard Stuplich making a comment. Brief, less-than-a-second-long, unexplained shot of the entrance ramp.

Can't ponder that for too long, as the fight's begun. Odin II starts to spin up and drive away from the approaching New Cruelty. Odin II hits New Cruelty in the side. Then the two robots just kind of stay away from one another.

Odin II's blade is just low enough to hit the top of New Cruelty's tires. New Cruelty doesn't want that to happen, so it stays in the center of the box, pointing itself at Odin II at all times. Odin II gets sick of waiting, so it just charges New Cruelty's front. No damage.

Now that Odin II's blade is stopped, New Cruelty charges. It pushes Odin II back toward a sledgehammer. But New Cruelty's scoop is higher off the ground than Odin II's wedge, which means that Odin II gets under New Cruelty and pushes it away. Odin II tries to escape so it can spin up again.

New Cruelty aims for the front side of Odin II, where the blade doesn't reach. Odin II gets away, hits New Cruelty once, and drives over a saw.

Odin II has been having a lot of trouble getting that blade spun back up, as New Cruelty keeps getting in there to keep it from moving. Too bad New Cruelty isn't able to actually do anything once it's next to Odin II.

Odin II finally gets the blade up to a respectable speed. New Cruelty is playing the always-exciting "sit in the middle and rotate" game. You know, I am glad they got rid of the ramps, but at this point, I wish something would make New Cruelty move.

Odin II just hits New Cruelty's scoop again. This stops the blade and activates New Cruelty. New Cruelty pushes Odin II into a screw. The screw pushes Odin II, and actually breaks off a piece of the Lexan on the wedge. Who'da thunk it.

New Cruelty pushes Odin II over toward the saws. The saws pop up a couple of times. The second time, another chunk of Odin II falls off.

Odin II gets up to speed again, and again hits New Cruelty in the scoop. Yes, the blade is stopped, and yes, New Cruelty starts to push. Odin II gets away this time.

New Cruelty pushes Odin II into a wall. Out of boredom, someone presses the "crowd acts really excited" audio button.

Odin II turns it around though, gets its front wedge under New Cruelty, and pins New Cruelty against the screw. The screw was never rotating during the fight, so we're left with a shot of the two robots sitting there. A cameraman walks over; there's some movement.

Odin II lets go now that its blade is up to speed again. New Cruelty moves in and takes some hits from the blade, except this time the blade doesn't stop. New Cruelty tries again, and this time stops the blade. See, New Cruelty? You did all that boring sitting around, and you never needed to.

Once again, New Cruelty pushes Odin II. The destination this time is a sledgehammer. Odin II tries to spin the blade, which probably isn't a good idea when the hammer falls every couple seconds. New Cruelty tries to position itself better, but almost lets Odin II escape. The hammer is now only falling on Odin II's side.

In what even I have to admit is an impressive display of driving skill, New Cruelty uses enough back and forth movements to force Odin II's body back under the hammer. A few more fulfilling hits, and time runs out.

We're told it was a 28-17 decision for New Cruelty. "Let's see what Carmen's got on the floor." It's an Uzi! Run!

Some talking. Carmen wishes Richard Stuplich good luck, nods, then remembers to move the mic toward him so he can thank her. Commercials.

Okay, here's the fight I've been waiting for all hour. Toro versus Vladiator. I'm either going to be very happy with how this one ends, or very mad. Toro looks the same as it did earlier in the show. Vladiator has reattached the spike.

And now, a short, one-man play. It's called, "Scott Watches the Toro Versus Vladiator Fight on 'BattleBots.'"

(Open on a chair positioned in front of a television. The television is playing the sixth episode of the fourth season of "BattleBots." Sitting in the chair is Scott, a man about 5'7", with glasses. He braces his arms against the chair, excited about watching the upcoming fight.)

Tim Green (from the TV): The box is locked, the lights are on, it's robot fightin' time!

Scott: Oh boy!

(Toro and Vladiator both drive forward. Toro completely misses Vladiator, and heads toward the wall. Vladiator gets its spike caught in the floor, and lifts itself off its front wheels. The two robots turn around and ram into each other again. When Toro hits Vladiator, its spike unattaches from the body and goes sliding away.)

Scott: Wha...? Ha ha ha ha!

(Vladiator spins itself once, points its front end at Toro, and rams into Toro's side, pushing Toro into the wall. Scott leans sideways in his chair.

Toro gets away and Vladiator runs off. Toro follows, trapping Vladiator against a wall. Toro turns to get its flipping arm under Vladiator, and briefly does, but Vladiator drives away before Toro has a chance to activate it.)

Scott: Ooh.

(Vladiator skitters around the box, as usual. It drives over Toro's arm again, but Toro doesn't activate. Vladiator drives to the other side of the box.)

Scott (to himself): The problem is, Vladiator's so fast, Toro can't get under him long enough to flip him.

(Toro and Vladiator meet over a saw, another brief chance for Toro to flip. Vladiator runs off. The camera chooses to stay on Toro, which it can actually follow.

Vladiator flies across the box, into the opposite wall. Toro tries to follow it. Vladiator drives toward Toro, trying to ram it. Toro gets under Vladiator and activates the arm. Vladiator goes up into the air, twists, and lands on its back.)

Scott: YES! (he leans back in the chair and claps a couple of times)

(Vladiator stops moving so Gage can switch over to the inverted driving mode. Toro gets under Vladiator again and flips it around some more. Now Vladiator lands right side up.)

Scott: YEAH!

(Vladiator drives, then stops to switch back to the first mode. It starts to drive again, a little slower than before. Toro gets under its side and gives it another big toss.)

Scott: WHOO!

(Vladiator drives into Toro's face. Toro flips Vladiator again.)

Scott: Ha ha ha ha ha!

(While Vladiator lands, it does a wheelie as it drives toward the entrance ramp. Suddenly, Toro looks to be the more aggressive one as it heads toward an erratically-moving Vladiator. Toro gets right under the front of Vladiator, pushes a little, and flips the box again.)

Scott: Oh yeah! (he claps a couple more times)

(Vladiator drives forward and bounces off of Toro. Toro tries to flip, but misses. Vladiator rams Toro in the front and starts to push the robot. Vladiator drives off to the side before Toro can raise the arm.

Vladiator prepares to charge. It does, and Toro misses with the arm. Vladiator drives off. Toro tries to get under the back corner of Vladiator, but isn't able to flip from there. Scott has calmed down in his seat again.

Toro gets under the front of Vladiator again and flips. Vladiator lands on its back, then drives under a sledgehammer.)

Scott: Ha ha.

(Toro tries another flip, but doesn't connect. Vladiator rams into Toro again, then retreats. Vladiator does more crazy driving around the box.

Toro gets under Vladiator's front, but raises the arm too late. Vladiator heads toward the wall and Toro follows. Toro flips Vladiator toward the sledgehammer. Scott leans forward in his seat again.

Toro pins Vladiator under the hammer, which goes to work.)

Scott: Whoo! (he punches his fist upward)

(The 20-second countdown clock appears on the screen. Scott sits back, knowing that Toro can't be knocked out at this point. Vladiator drives toward Toro. Toro flips Vladiator toward the wall. As Toro flips, it drives forward. The lifting arm is above Vladiator as Vladiator lands. With the way Vladiator is flipped plus Toro driving forward, Vladiator is propped up against the wall.)

Scott: YEEEEEAAAAAHH! WHOOOOOO!!!

(Vladiator spins its wheels, but none of them are touching the ground. Toro backs off.)

Scott: YEEEAAAHHHAHAHA! YES! (he pumps his arms in the air as if experiencing a muscle spasm)

(Time runs out. Scott applauds.)

END

The final score is 32-13, Toro. That is going to be my favorite fight of the season.

The show takes a break from fighting robots to tell us about Scott Stantis, drawer of a comic strip called The Buckets, which did a week of strips based on "BattleBots." We get to see where he lives. If I wanted to, I could harass so many people based on these little clips.

They go to commercial with Carmen Electra saying, "For more fighting robots, and more of me, you've gotta stay tuned." Well, there's one reason to stay tuned, anyway.

After the break, it's a segment that tells us that BattleBots builders are really friendly and will swap parts all the time. We see a reenactment of Stephen Felk allowing a member of Team Death By Monkeys to borrow a piece of metal, even though he knows she's fighting Ziggo. Actually, I think that was the only part of Death By Monkeys that didn't get damaged in that fight.

Back to the humorous profiles. Techno Destructo received a total rebuild during the off-season. So they tell us that with a parody of "The Six Million Dollar Man." We don't learn anything, but it is pretty funny, so it's okay.

Techno Destructo will fight Diesector in the quarterfinals. As Techno Destructo is introduced in its square, we see the exact same shot of people cheering as we saw at the end of the Junkyard Offspring versus Nightmare fight.

You know what time it is. Techno Destructo and Diesector meet in the center. Techno Destructo is under the wedged jaws, so up the lifting arm goes. Diesector is flipped straight up onto its tail and over onto its back.

Diesector resets the jaws for wedge mode while upside-down. Diesector's jaws are resetting a lot more smoothly than last season. I'm guessing Donald Hutson added some kind of program that lets him reset the jaws into certain positions. Nice.

Right now, Diesector is getting into the front of Techno Destructo, whose lifting arm is clamping down on Diesector. Techno Destructo is the one with more power, though, and pushes Diesector toward the sledgehammer. Diesector, with only two wheels on the ground, pushes on Techno Destructo, keeping the hammer away. Diesector escapes and is already back in wedge mode.

Techno Destructo tries a flip from the side, but it's too late. Diesector gets under the side of Techno Desctruto. Techno Destructo escapes. It tries another flip, but doesn't get it.

Diesector is still attacking Techno Destructo. Another missed flip. Diesector's hammers try to hit Techno Destructo but don't get much else than floor.

Diesector wedges under Techno Destructo and pushes it toward the entrance ramp. Diesector's hammers go to work. Techno Destructo works its way out. The two robots are locked, facing each other and taking up the entire length of the ramp. Techno Destructo is under Diesector and flips Diesector back into its original position. Now Diesector is the one on the entrance ramp.

What is it with the entrance ramp on the red driver's side? Why do all the robots go over there to fight? I don't think we've seen one fight this season where a robot goes up onto the blue driver's entrance ramp. Maybe they're trying to break out and chase down Carmen or something.

Techno Destructo tries to pin Diesector, but Diesector drives out. And pins Techno Destructo next to the ramp. The jaws are underneath Techno Destructo, and slowly start to raise. Yeah, that would be a good time to quit swinging the hammers.

Diesector tries to flip Techno Destructo, but slips out before it has the chance. Techno Destructo is against the wall, not leaving. Diesector goes to its side and whacks it with the hammers. Then it tries to lift again. Now that's they're off the ground, Techno Destructo's wheels are moving.

Diesector almost gets Techno Destructo onto its side, but Techno Destructo backs out and escapes by driving under the sledgehammer. The hammer falls, and Techno Destructo quits moving again.

As the hammer wails on Techno Destructo, Diesector comes up and uses its hammers as well. It leaves, then comes back to keep hurting Techno Destructo. It tries to lift it one last time, but doesn't get very far. Techno Destructo is counted out.

A plug for Comedy Central's web site. Bil goes to commercial with, "Stay put, there's more 'BattleBots' winding your way straight from San Francisco. 'Straight?'" They chose to put a shot of Lombard Street underneath that comment.

Carmen interviews Donald Hutson. Then in the studio, Tim tells us that earlier we saw New Cruelty defeat Odin II to go to the quarterfinal. Not quite, but he's close.

Anyway, Richard Stuplich is in the studio to talk to Bil. Bil asks, "Who do you fear in this tournament?" He hastily adds, "You're having a great run, by the way -- three and oh right now" to remind Richard that some but not all of his fights have aired.

The show ends. Neither Arj nor Brad is listed in the credits, since neither made an appearance this half hour. Come to think of it, we didn't see Brad at all during this episode. Aw, and I'm sure we were all wondering where he was while we watched.

Well, that's it for this recap. I've got to go. Tonight's the off-Broadway debut of "Scott Watches the Toro Versus Vladiator Fight on 'BattleBots.'" Strangely enough, I play Tim Green.

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