BattleBots is back!
Well, this week. Then it'll be gone for a little over a month.
Still, BattleBots is back! For today! Because ABC had a hole to fill while their regular programming winds down in May!
The episode begins with some forced metaphors about victory as it relates to things you might find on or in a fighting robot. There are lots of shots of robots and builders. I'm trying to be briefer this year and there's nothing especially notable (other than the fact that this season's tournament contains 56 teams/robots), so let's just move on.
After some dramatic aerial views of downtown Los Angeles (roughly three and a half miles from where the tournament actually took place), we're greeted by Samantha Ponder. It wasn't until she was later welcomed to the show by Chris and Kenny that I realized she wasn't the same woman from last season. I don't know whether the fact that last year's presenter made so little an impression on me says more about her or me.
Samantha tells us that 44 robots have already been placed into the tournament brackets. However, there are 12 robots that supposedly are all so equal to one another, the only solution is to have them compete in three-robot rumbles in order to fill the four remaining tournament slots. Believe me -- you're not supposed to think about the tournament structure too hard.
Chris Rose and Kenny Florian then show up to explain what a rumble is. Kenny says that it's a BattleBots tradition (true) and that three robots will battle in a single three-minute fight (not usually true of a rumble). There will be no hazards. Please -- try to contain your disappointment.
For our first fight of the night, it's Son of Whyachi vs. Creepy Crawlies vs. UltraViolent.
As you'll recall, Team Whyachi competed last year with Warrior Clan, which wasn't exceptionally successful. So the team just said nuts to this, we'll rebuild Son of Whyachi so it gets down to 250 pounds and compete with that again.
Creepy Crawlies consists of five 50-pound insect-themed robots, each of which appears to have some kind of horizontal pincer weapon. They come from the United Kingdom, where it's easier to transport five small robots across the ocean as opposed to one big robot. It'll be even easier to transport them back home once they're torn apart by Son of Whyachi.
UltraViolent is one sleek-looking robot, with cool blue accents and light effects. It's designed to act as a lifter, with a prong located on each side of the robot that can rotate 360°. It also is a brand new machine.
We then go to the BattleBox, where Faruq Tauheed is back to act as ring announcer. "It's robot fightin' time!" he announces, then proceeds to introduce... the judges. Fon Davis and Jessica Chobot are back from last season. However, this season, the third chair will be filled with a rotation of guest judges. Today, it's Clark Gregg from "Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D." You may be wondering what credentials he has to judge a robotic combat battle. He appears on another one of ABC's shows, okay? Those are all the credentials he needs!
Faruq says, "Ladies and gentlemen, let's bring out the bots." Might as well, I suppose -- it is the reason we're here, after all. One by one, each team enters the studio. The team members behind UltraViolent are wearing sunglasses, which is probably why Andrew Peterson doesn't see the jib camera and walks right into it. He does a good job of pretending that that didn't just happen.
Then the team behind Creepy Crawlies enters the studio. And while nobody calls attention to it, Kelly Smith doesn't notice the light bar sitting on the floor. Yeesh -- somebody's going to get seriously injured during one of these introductions this season, aren't they?
The in-box introductions then take place. UltraViolent is in the red square, Son of Whyachi is in the blue square, and Creepy Crawlies is in the green square. Of course, there isn't actually a green square painted onto the BattleBox floor, so the robots are just placed in the vicinity of some green lights shining downward:
So really, this isn't just a three-robot fight -- there are effectively seven robots to keep track of in there. I guess this really is a rumble.
During the twitch tests, we see UltraViolent pull off some cool-looking dance moves as it rotates its prongs all the way around. However, if you pay close attention, once it lands on its wheels, we briefly see the wheels spin before the camera quickly cuts away. But when the teams are asked if they're ready, the robot is still positioned at the same angle inside its starting square. And even though Andrew Peterson gives the thumbs up, that's one resigned look on his face. I suspect the choice was either fight or forfeit.
The lights turn green and the fight begins. Son of Whyachi spins up, the five members of Creepy Crawlies scatter in random directions, and UltraViolent tries to move itself forward solely by rotating its lifting spikes.
At full speed, Son of Whyachi moseys toward the center of the Box. It drives into the dark red member of Creepy Crawlies. The hit sends the dark red member ricocheting off of the silver member and into the bright red member, which is flipped upside down by the collision. Three robots killed in one blow -- that's impressive.
UltraViolent is still flopping like a fish in its starting square. Son of Whyachi hits it just so it has something to do. Little pieces are torn off, but UltraViolent is still able to "move." Son of Whyachi then destroys the already-dead silver member of the Creepy Crawlies team.
The blue member of Creepy Crawlies faces down Son of Whyachi... then backs away. Son of Whyachi gives pursuit, hits it, and renders it immobilized.
With four of them down, that's more than a sufficient weight percentage of Creepy Crawlies for the entire multibot to be considered knocked out. Son of Whyachi sits in the center of the arena to see if there's anything left to do. But with only the yellow member of Creepy Crawlies still functional (there's a significant amount of smoke pouring out of the dark red member that Son of Whyachi hit at the beginning of the fight) and UltraViolent not even trying to use its prongs to move across the floor anymore, that's a knockout all around. Son of Whyachi easily wins this fight.
Let's fast forward past the commercials to our next fight: Basilisk vs. Blacksmith vs. Gemini.
Chris and Kenny are beyond excited that Basilisk will be accompanied by a drone in the BattleBox. The actual competitive machine has a lifting/flipping arm. Kenny tells us that the idea is for that robot to disable its opponent so the drone can then land on the opponent and drill into it. But... if the opponent is holding still long enough for the drone to land on and then drill into it, then isn't the opponent already knocked out? Or should I not worry my pretty little head about such details?
Blacksmith's weapon is an overhead hammer. The hammerhead is also capable of shooting flames. It's not supposed to make sense -- it's just supposed to look cool for television.
Gemini is a multibot consisting of two robots with horizontal disk spinners. They each weigh the same, which means that they both need to be immobilized for it to be a knockout (Kenny doesn't clarify, but BattleBots rules say that 60% of the multibot's weight is the threshold).
The teams enter the studio. And sure enough, one of the members of Basilisk's team trips over one of the light bars on the floor.
Eventually, the fight begins. The wheeled robots move around and the drone takes to the air. Blacksmith and Basilisk meet a couple of times -- on the second meeting, Blacksmith delivers some impressive-looking blows. I don't know whether they were actually effective, but they looked impressive.
Blacksmith then goes after both members of Gemini, unafraid of the spinning disks. It manages to gather both members in the corner and starts swinging its hammer with abandon. One of the free-spinning wheels is knocked off of Gemini's red member while the black member is having trouble driving now.
Blacksmith briefly chases after the drone, which is hovering tantalizingly close to the floor. It then focuses its attention back on the surviving member of Gemini, delivering additional hammer blows. But it looks like Blacksmith is having some driving difficulties of its own.
The drone drives into the side of Blacksmith, lands on its side, and then finds itself in the center of a collision between Blacksmith, Basilisk, and the surviving member of Gemini. That drone is broken. Blacksmith can't resist swinging at the dead drone, which allows Basilisk to attack Blacksmith from the side. Focus on winning the fight first, Blacksmith.
Still, Basilisk isn't entirely functional, either. It's no longer activating the lifting arm and it appears to be having trouble driving. Blacksmith attacks. Then the remaining member of Gemini shows up, so Blacksmith goes after it.
Basilisk has stopped moving. Blacksmith is largely working around whatever its driving impediment is. The remaining member of Gemini can drive, but isn't spinning its weapon.
More hammer blows from Blacksmith to Gemini. Some flames. Blacksmith presses Gemini against the wall and goes to town with that hammer. At this point, all Blacksmith really has to do is survive, and it should win this fight.
But now a large quantity of smoke is pouring out of Blacksmith. And then an internal component of Blacksmith actively catches fire. With fifteen seconds left in the fight, the referee begins the ten-second countdown on Blacksmith. But as the referee says "four," Blacksmith is once again able to drive (as an additional explosion occurs inside the robot), nullifying the referee's countdown and allowing the fight to go the full three minutes.
The show goes to commercial before the judges' results are revealed, but I think we know how this one ends. After all, Basilisk is dead and half of Gemini is dead. Add in the fact that only one robot showed any real aggression...
Faruq and the builders are standing outside of the BattleBox for the announcement of the judges' decision. It comes as no surprise that the unanimous decision is in favor of Blacksmith.
Over on another side of the BattleBox, we see that Alison Haislip is back on the team. She interviews Clark Gregg. No information is imparted, but time is killed.
Let's move on to Mohawk vs. Lycan vs. Invader.
Invader is a familiar-looking full-body spinner. It's familiar-looking because if you take away the bright green paint, it's Megabite. I'm not sure why the team didn't just call it Megabite again, but no matter. Megabite is back -- its last fight was about seven years ago. I remember back when Megabite was the newcomer, defeating old guard BioHazard back in 2005. But as I said back then, robots that go unchanged for several years often find themselves unable to compete with newer competitors. Let's see if Invader is able to retain its fearsome reputation.
Mohawk is the same robot as last year. Of course, we never saw it compete last year, as it quickly broke down in its first fight, which was only recapped near the end of an episode. The idea is that an opponent will get caught on the barbed wedge, allowing Mohawk to puncture the opponent with its flaming curved spike crusher.
Our hosts ignore Lycan and instead talk about Ravi Baboolal. They paint him as the villain, saying that he exudes confidence and has little respect for the veterans. We get no interview with Ravi to support this, so I guess we just have to take the hosts' word. In fact, here are the hosts' words: "He doesn't have great respect for the elder botsmen." "He's very confident. He's been designing these robots, been fighting robots for the last thirteen years." See, the guy who's been fighting robots for thirteen years has no respect for veteran builders!
As for the robot itself, Lycan is designed to clamp opponents with its big front jaw. Although let's be honest -- you and I both know that's going to just be used as a wedge/rammer 99% of the time.
All three teams manage to enter the BattleBox without getting injured on their way in. At least, as far as we saw.
Invader abuses the privileges afforded by the twitch test to drive in a big circle around the BattleBox. Lycan rapidly spins in place. Mohawk uses a large quantity of fuel while just testing its flamethrower.
The show then goes to commercial, resulting in an act which contained no actual robotic combat. When it returns, the fight begins. The three robots drive around and successfully miss one another a couple of times. Lycan rams Invader, propelling both of them in opposite directions. Invader bounces off the base of a screw, off of Mohawk, and spins out of control across the arena floor.
Lycan recovers, though now there's a big gash in its thick front wedge. Meanwhile, Invader has turned into an unpredictable deadly pinball. You can see from the steering bar sticking out of the top that the robot body is spinning just as much as its outer shell. So Invader bounces off of wall after wall after wall, its motion merely dictated by the laws of physics.
Mohawk is shooting flames out of its hair, but isn't really fighting. Lycan comes over to initiate contact. Invader continues to careen around like some kind of mobile hazard.
Lycan attacks Invader. Invader continues to do whatever it's doing. As Invader slows its body down, Lycan attacks it again. After the ricochet, Invader's body comes to a stop, although the shell is still spinning at deadly speeds. Lycan pops it again because it's an easier target than the moving Mohawk.
Invader is off to the side -- it's effectively dead. Now Lycan and Mohawk just have to fight it out while avoiding Invader's rapidly spinning shell. Lycan drives past Invader -- when Mohawk charges, it drives into Invader. I don't know whether that was intentional, but that getting your opponent to hurt itself on Invader is a decent strategy.
Even though Invader hasn't moved under its own power for the last thirty seconds, Lycan deliberately drives into it again. Then Mohawk drives into Invader. People! Invader is dead! You don't have to keep fighting it! Even Kenny has figured that out!
Lycan's team knows that Invader is dead, yet Lycan drives into Invader again. And now Lycan is dragging a chain. The chain comes off, and it looks like Lycan may have lost the left side of its drive. Mohawk attacks with the rear of the robot.
Then Mohawk attacks with the front of the robot. Mohawk finally is able to actually use its wedge to get underneath Lycan. It buries its fang into the right side of Mohawk's drive. The referee continues to count Lycan out, even though it's currently being attacked by Mohawk, so it couldn't move even if it wanted to.
Lycan is counted out; Invader is dead -- Mohawk wins. I continue to not understand the knockout rules here.
Because Invader is dead, its receiver isn't responding to the command to spin down its weapon. And obviously, you can't open the BattleBox while there's a big metal object spinning at deadly speeds, so it's going to be a while before anybody can go in there.
While Invader spins, Alison interviews Mohawk's team. Chris throws to commercial. Invader is still spinning. I've seen situations like this -- I'm guessing there was a lot of waiting before they could move on to the next fight.
The final fight of the night is Bad Kitty vs. Skorpios vs. Black Ice.
Bad Kitty is one of the many vertical spinning disk robots from Team Think Tank. The outer shell looks vaguely like a cat to encourage "BattleBots" to put it on TV. It's also accompanied by a smaller robot which the hosts can't be bothered to mention.
Skorpios is designed to wedge into opponents and then drop the spinning saw blade onto them. The hosts don't even bother talking about this robot -- they instead focus on how its builder worked on Wrecks last season.
Black Ice is piloted by Dan Barry -- an honest-to-goodness astronaut who's been on the honest-to-goodness International Space Station. The hosts also don't bother to describe this robot.
After the introductions, the fight begins, which means we can finally figure out what these robots are supposed to do. Bad Kitty can't get its disk to spin. Black Ice places a bar with two powerful magnets onto the BattleBox floor. It's designed to just sit there as a roadblock. Well, it's a different strategy, I'll give it that.
Bad Kitty and Skorpios try to wedge under one another. Skorpios briefly gets underneath Bad Kitty, Bad Kitty pivots out of the way, and Skorpios drives itself into a screw. The hazards have been turned off for these three-way fights, so Skorpios is just plain stuck. Bad Kitty and Black Ice further wedge it in there.
Unfortunately, as far as I can tell, Skorpios is also the only robot with a functioning weapon at the moment. It drops its spinning saw onto the motionless screw. A multitude of sparks are produced. Go, Skorpios! Attack that screw!
Chris gets out of his seat to "interact" with Skorpios because the rest of the fight isn't particularly interesting. Bad Kitty has gotten its disk to spin, but it isn't connecting with Black Ice. I don't even know what Black Ice's active weapon is supposed to be. I'd say it's just a wedge bot, but pure wedges aren't allowed at BattleBots.
Black Ice and Bad Kitty try to fight, but honestly, the most interesting thing happening right now is Skorpios's repeated attempts to free itself by dropping its saw blade against the screw.
I've never liked the screws. I know that officially, Skorpios can't win because it's been immobilized (also, it's technically attacking the arena hazards, which is probably a no-no), but I'm still rooting for it.
Bad Kitty can't get under the wedges of Black Ice, so it can't use its disk. Black Ice pushes Bad Kitty and flips it over. Bad Kitty is still able to drive inverted, though.
Black Ice continues to drive into things. It pushes Bad Kitty toward another wall. Oh, wait... those tiny little red things sticking out of Black Ice's wedge...
That's Black Ice's active weapon? Small spinning blades? Wow, the "built by a NASA astronaut" angle must have been really compelling for BattleBots to let this one in.
Black Ice flips Bad Kitty and places it against the wall. Some smoke comes out of Bad Kitty, which is no longer moving. And with Skorpios still wedged under the screw, this fight is over. Well, that was unexpected.
The final act of the show is just a recap of what we saw, followed by a teaser for the upcoming season, which begins in June. A Brazilian! Women! More drones! These are the things you will see on "BattleBots" this summer! Be there -- it's not like you have anything better to do!