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Don Carlo-eone?


In this half-hour, we'll be following the heavyweights from quarterfinals to final. Should I throw in another fixed-width ladder? Eh, couldn't hurt. Unless you have an unnatural fear of short, vertical lines.

                 
    BioHazard    |
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    MechaVore    |                 |
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 Aces and Eights |                 |                 |
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  HexaDecimator  |                                   |
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    Omega-13     |                                   |
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                 |    Voltronic    |                 |
    Voltronic    |                 |                 |
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     Warhead     |                 |
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    OverKill     |


Hey! They're starting right off with a fight! We get four fights in the episode again!

BioHazard versus MechaVore. This is a match-up I've wanted to see. I'm just curious whether that long-time veteran-killing disk of MechaVore can do anything to the titanium skirts of BioHazard before it gets flipped over.

Robot frighten time. MechaVore stays in its square to spin up the disk. BioHazard travels across the Box to meet MechaVore. BioHazard drives right into MechaVore's disk, producing bright sparks on its left front skirt. The skirt is bent upward a little, but nothing goes flying.

MechaVore chases after the side of BioHazard. BioHazard stays close to MechaVore, wedging itself under MechaVore's body. The arm goes up, and MechaVore begins to tip onto its side. BioHazard pushes forward as it lifts, and MechaVore lands on its back.

As MechaVore goes over onto its back, its spinning disk meets the outstretched arm of BioHazard. Specifically, the disk meets the supports that hold BioHazard's arm in the air. The disk cuts right through those supports! BioHazard is turned by that cut, and MechaVore's disk hits the arm itself! BioHazard's arm is torn off and goes flying across the Box!

As MechaVore lands on its back, it pivots on the floor. The disk is pointed toward the nearby wall and puts a big gouge in the Lexan! Yikes!

BioHazard, its body still under MechaVore, nudges the flipped bot until it rests at a diagonal, its side and top touching the floor. All of MechaVore's wheels are off the ground.

BioHazard leaves the scene. As MechaVore lies helpless, BioHazard returns to its square, badly injured but victorious.

There's the end of the countdown, and MechaVore is out. Carlo Bertocchini sums it up best: "Bad way to win."

Here's our first shot of Bil and Tim in this episode. Looks like they've gotten all prettied up for the heavyweight finals -- they're both wearing black suits with white shirts and ties. Or maybe they're going to the homecoming dance right after this taping.

They take us through the replays (they could've just as well shown the entire fight again). At the end, as the jib camera leaves the Box, you can see a few people pointing at and touching the gash MechaVore put into the Lexan. Fact: Last season, during a heavyweight rumble, MechaVore cut through the Lexan of the BattleBox. We can't have nice things, can we?

Immediately into another heavyweight quarterfinal -- time for Warhead and OverKill to go at it.

Time for robot fightin'. Warhead is the robot to immediately come out of its square. As it spins up, it heads toward OverKill, who, unsurprisingly, spins in place to let its big blade face the spinner (this is how OverKill defeated MechaVore, M.O.E., and Surgeon General last season). Warhead turns to go to the other side of OverKill. OverKill leaves its square and goes to the other side of the Box.

Warhead drives toward OverKill, and OverKill drives away. OverKill is clearly faster than Warhead, so if all it's going to do is run, this could be a long fight.

OverKill has its wedge facing Warhead. Warhead drives toward OverKill. OverKill raises its blade in the air, like a cat raises its tail. The blade drops in front of OverKill. Warhead charges. The killsaws pop up and knock Warhead off-course.

Warhead is spun around by the saws, and OverKill tries to take advantage of the situation by wedging under Warhead. However, OverKill doesn't push Warhead anywhere. Warhead turns in place and begins to lift itself off the ground with the gyroscopic forces of its spinning dome.

OverKill charges Warhead, misses, and hits the wall. It turns around and tries to wedge under Warhead, but instead climbs up one of Warhead's wings. OverKill leaves to hide behind some more saws.

The two robots charge and are knocked away by the collision. OverKill now has a cut up on its wedge. Warhead pitches out of control again.

OverKill charges Warhead's dome twice. The saws get in the way of the action. OverKill goes to the other side of the Box.

Warhead drives toward OverKill. OverKill turns in place and drives out of the way of Warhead's charge. OverKill drives around Warhead, forcing Warhead to spin in place and pitch out of control. As Warhead does this, OverKill pushes it over some saws.

OverKill drives into Warhead a couple of times. It wedges underneath Warhead, gets a good hold of the robot, and shoves it all the way across the Box, into a broken screw. OverKill starts whacking Warhead with its blade.

Warhead turns around, and OverKill wedges under it again, pushing it back against the wall. Warhead's dome has stopped spinning.

Warhead turns and starts to spin its dome again. OverKill drives itself into a screw, to see what it feels like. OverKill drives over some saws while pursuing Warhead. Its big tires then drives up Warhead's dome. OverKill teeters on its side... and lands right side up.

OverKill wedges underneath Warhead (it's easy now that Warhead has lifted its wings in the air) and shoves it against the spikes. OverKill whacks Warhead with the giant blade.

Warhead leaves the wall and starts spinning its dome again. OverKill drives into Warhead. Both robots hold their ground while they drive into the other. OverKill backs off first. Warhead also backs off, nearly getting hit by a sledgehammer.

Warhead spins its dome. OverKill whacks Warhead with its blade. OverKill wedges under the spinning dome of Warhead, which knocks both robots away.

OverKill wedges under the side of Warhead again and tries to push it somewhere. Warhead slips off. OverKill wedges under the spinning dome, which slows down as OverKill shoves Warhead into the base of a screw. A quick whack as OverKill lines itself up again.

Warhead's dome is no longer spinning. Warhead has its wings up in the air, like a prisoner that's been captured by the police. OverKill wedges under Warhead's side and stuffs it into the wall. Hey, there's that gash in the Lexan that MechaVore made. Somebody poked a piece of metal through it -- looks like MechaVore did successfully cut through both sheets again.

Anyway, as for the fight currently taking place, OverKill backs into Warhead and repeatedly whacks it with the blade. Then OverKill spins in place to slap Warhead with the blade. Looks like the left side of Warhead isn't working anymore.

With three seconds left, OverKill presses Warhead against the entrance to the BattleBox. Time is up.

Christian Carlberg pounds the wall in excitement. Ian Lewis taps the wall in imitation.

It's time for some commercials, but first, this BattleBots Trivia. "How much does the Pulverizer weigh?" No multiple choice? Um... whatever amount of cold cuts the customer orders?

The answer turns out to be "35 pounds." Apparently it's hollow, and not filled with a marshmallow cream like I so hoped it would be.

They've obtained a large, crystal (or maybe just glass) nut to rotate in the studio while Bil and Tim speak. Ooh, maybe it's an ice sculpture! They could place it around the neck of an ice swan. If it didn't snap the swan's neck off, it would look beautiful. Actually, if it did snap the swan's neck off, it might look even better.

Replays of the previous fight, followed by an interview with Team Razer. Warhead has its protective covers on, which takes all the fun out of the fact that Arj has his hand on the robot.

Time to finish the heavyweight quarterfinals with Aces and Eights against HexaDecimator. Aces and Eights is big red box with a guardrail around the tires. Its offense is to push with a flat hexagonal surface on the front of the robot. HexaDecimator is the same wedge with flipping arm that we saw last season.

Time fightin' robot. The two robots meet in the center. HexaDecimator wedges under the side of Aces and Eights, knocking the robot around a bit. Aces and Eights spins around and presses against HexaDecimator's side, pushing it toward the wall. As they reach the wall, HexaDecimator gets its flipping arm underneath Aces and Eights. The arm goes up, and Aces and Eights gets some good hang time as it goes up into the air, bounces on its frame, and lands right side up.

HexaDecimator's arm is still up. Aces and Eights pushes HexaDecimator against the wall some more. HexaDecimator lowers the arm, drives away from the wall, gets under Aces and Eights, and gives it another mighty toss. Aces and Eights flips around once in the air and again lands right side up.

A little driving. HexaDecimator lifts the arm under Aces and Eights again, but only slightly upsets the bot this time. Aces and Eights drives up HexaDecimator's wedge, stopping at the raised arm. Aces and Eights pushes, and HexaDecimator winds up getting its underside scratched by the killsaws.

HexaDecimator lowers its arm. Driving and positioning from both robots. HexaDecimator tries a flip, but misses. Aces and Eights tries to drive up the wedge again while the arm is up.

HexaDecimator gets under the corner of Aces and Eights and lifts. Aces and Eights bounces a bit, low to the floor.

Driving. Aces and Eights drives up the wedge of HexaDecimator. This time, HexaDecimator's arm is in position, though, and HexaDecimator heaves. Aces and Eights is thrown straight through the air. That looked cool.

Aces and Eights immediately presses against HexaDecimator's side, but HexaDecimator drives away. Aces and Eights presses against HexaDecimator's side again and does a little better before HexaDecimator gets away.

Back to the middle of the Box. HexaDecimator raises its arm way too late. And again.

Once again, Aces and Eights drives up the wedge of HexaDecimator while its arm is up. Maybe it's trying to snap the arm off or something. HexaDecimator gets away so it can lower its arm.

HexaDecimator drives into a wall. Aces and Eights starts to push it toward a sledgehammer. HexaDecimator takes one hit and backs away.

HexaDecimator misses on another flip attempt. Aces and Eights rams into HexaDecimator.

Back to the center of the Box for more positioning. HexaDecimator is really late in raising the arm. Aces and Eights starts to push it, but HexaDecimator turns to keep Aces and Eights off.

The two robots run into each other a couple of times. Tim denies that, as on-camera talent, he wears make-up. Aces and Eights drives up the wedge of HexaDecimator, but HexaDecimator doesn't fire the arm.

A stand-off as the two try to push one another. Aces and Eights backs off, then drives up the wedge of HexaDecimator. Again, HexaDecimator doesn't fire the arm. It does, however, drive Aces and Eights toward the wall. Aces and Eights escapes by driving over HexaDecimator.

HexaDecimator turns around and tries to push Aces and Eights with its rear. Aces and Eights gets around to HexaDecimator's side and tries to push it onto the ramrods. HexaDecimator drives off before the ramrods appear.

The two robots battle at close range, HexaDecimator trying to wedge under Aces and Eights and Aces and Eights trying to push HexaDecimator. Time runs out.

Over to the arm-raising ceremony. Not too surprisingly, it's a 23-22 decision. The robot to advance to the semifinals is Aces and Eights.

In the post-fight interview, Tim Paterson says that there was still CO2 in the tank, but HexaDecimator's arm just quit working. Maybe the arm is sick of CO2. Maybe some nice SO2 instead?

Commercials. As always, Carmen starts her admonition about building robots while unsupervised with "Hey you." It's been two seasons, Carmen. I've learned your name; why can't you learn mine?

Tim tells us that we're moments away from the heavyweight final. Since we haven't seen either semifinal yet, I'm curious as to how that can be.

Before I can find out, it's time for a recap of what we've already seen (doesn't this usually come at the end of the show?). Along with the other two fights, we get to see BioHazard's arm amputated from another angle.

And then they go into recaps of both semifinal fights. Voltronic defeated OverKill in what looks like it was probably a close fight. And BioHazard got its arm back on in time to fight Aces and Eights. Like every other robot, Aces and Eights couldn't get under BioHazard, and BioHazard won what was probably another judges' decision.

So Voltronic is the second robot to make it to the finals, yet have only one of its fights shown this season (the other being lightweight The Big B). Um... congratulations?

Before we get to see the final heavyweight fight, it's time for some filler. Carlo Bertocchini gets dressed up as a (the?) godfather and walks around while smiling. He also crushes a small Diesector toy underneath his foot. Which, granted, doesn't make complete sense, but I guess you do what the folks with the camera tell you to do.

Want to see the final now? Too bad! It's time for a commercial instead.

After the commercial, Bil and Tim present the appropriate history behind this final fight. This is the first time Voltronic has made it to the finals. BioHazard, of course, has won the BattleBots heavyweight championship three times (not twice as Tim says). But these two have fought before, back in season one. When they did, Voltronic was able to get under BioHazard, and, with the pinning and lifting time limit rules not in place at the time, pushed BioHazard around the arena the entire fight for the win.

The introductions take place. BioHazard's arm is in place, though it no longer rests flush with the body. There's also a little spike at the top of the lifting arm to snag Voltronic with.

It's been so long since we've seen Voltronic, I might as well describe it again, because it's probably changed. Voltronic is a big triangular wedge. In the middle of the wedge is a lifting arm. Attached to the lifting arm are two small teeth that come out before the lifting arm does. After having trouble with self-righting mechanisms in previous tournaments, Voltronic now simply has its wheels sticking out of the top of the wedge to allow it to drive around while inverted. Its builder, Stephen Felk, is fun to listen to during fights.

Robot final time. BioHazard heads toward Voltronic, which also leaves its square. BioHazard gets under Voltronic in the first collision. Voltronic starts to activate its lifting arm and teeth, which won't do any good while BioHazard is underneath the robot.

BioHazard stays under Voltronic. It gets out after placing Voltronic on some saw holes. The saws don't appear, though.

BioHazard gets its arm under Voltronic and starts to lift, but Voltronic slips off. BioHazard pokes the wall.

BioHazard retracts the arm and backs away a bit. Voltronic tries to get under BioHazard, but drives up onto it again. BioHazard gets its arm under the front wedge of Voltronic, lifts, and slams Voltronic into the spike strip. Voltronic, the top of its wedge against the wall, uses the lifting arm to push BioHazard back.

BioHazard backs up a little bit but keeps its arm extended, holding the top of Voltronic. Voltronic's body slips off the spikes. BioHazard pushes forward on Voltronic again. With Voltronic's arm extended, it serves as a handy measurement of how far BioHazard can push Voltronic before Voltronic can free itself using the wall. BioHazard pushes Voltronic until its arm touches the Lexan. Then BioHazard backs away, retracting its arm.

Voltronic is now balanced on its rear end. It tries to bring out its lifting arm to push itself onto the floor, but the arm can only scrape the wall (you can see the scratch it makes). Voltronic is stranded. And BioHazard has no intentions of helping it back onto its wheels.

The countdown begins. BioHazard performs the victory spin. Voltronic loses.

Replays, the official arm-raising, and exit interviews. Stephen Felk reflects on losing the fight. You really have to hear him speak. A transcript wouldn't do it justice.

Carmen gets Carlo Bertocchini to say that he'll build another robot. Though he didn't really look like he meant it. Maybe he was too busy thinking about where he's going to store this giant nut.

And that's the end of this episode. Now I'm thinking about what a suitable sequel to BioHazard would be. Specifically, the name. Carlo would almost have to build a smaller robot, because then he could use a name that's a less serious version of "BioHazard." Like "RadioActive" or "May Cause Unpleasant Side Effects." Yeah, a lightweight lifter named "Threat to Only the Very Young and Elderly." That'd be intimidating.

Actually, what he should to do is build a robot with armor made of winner's pogs and licensing checks, using his four giant nuts as wheels. Not to compete with, of course; just to transport him to and from his driving platform. Hey, if your robot's won the most fights in BattleBots history, you might as well flaunt it.


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