Make your own free website on Tripod.com


Ringmaster... I loved Ian McKellen in that one!


Before they talk about real robots in today's episode, it's another parody, entitled "B.S.I." (one guess as to what the B stands for -- and no, it's not "bust"). Carmen pretends to be a forensic expert investigating the murder of a robot supposedly belonging to Team WhoopAss. Of course, the chalk outline drawn on the floor doesn't match any of the robots on that team. Actually, its general shape doesn't seem to match the any of the robots at the competition. Given the size and weapon layout, the closest it comes would be to Claymore, I guess.

Now that I've gotten the obsessive part of the summary out of the way, let's get down to business.

Three fights again. And a new sponsor, Circuit City. They're with me? What is that supposed to... Hey! Get out of my bedroom closet!

Let's kick things off with a heavyweight bout. On the blue side is Spitfire, a British entry with a wedged front, a pneumatic lifting arm, and a weird little thing under the back end that extends to allow the wedge to ride the floor -- otherwise, the front is a couple of inches off the ground.

On the red side is Vlad the Impaler II. That's right, it's the sequel to the well-known (well, well-known to BattleBots fans) Vlad the Impaler. It looks nothing like the robot that came before it. Okay, imagine Vladiator's body. Now make the front flat, and instead of two lifting spikes, imagine a plate that rides the floor. The plate gets under robots and lifts them. If Vlad the Impaler II is flipped over, the plate becomes a wedge. I guess a more accurate name for the robot would be "Mini-Vladiator," though I have to admit that "Vlad the Impaler II" sounds a lot more intimidating.

Faux bot tighten rhyme. Vlad the Impaler II gets the first attack in, getting the lifting plate under Spitfire. Vlad lifts, Spitfire's front end goes up, and Spitfire drives away anyway. Vlad then backs up the wedge of Spitfire, driving over the side of the bot. Spitfire lifts its arm too late.

Vlad whacks Spitfire in the side and lifts the plate. Spitfire tips, but doesn't topple. Some driving. Both Vlad and Spitfire charge at each other. Vlad hits the wedge head-on, drives up, and gets some very good air as it flies over Spitfire.

More driving. Vlad gets the plate under Spitfire again, but slides out as it tries to push. So Vlad backs underneath Spitfire instead and pushes it toward the spikes. As they reach the wall, Vlad slips out, drives up onto the spike strip, and gets itself on top of Spitfire. Spitfire raises the arm, but it doesn't move Vlad very far. Vlad escapes.

The two move toward the center. Spitfire drives around to the rear of Vlad and lifts it. It's a more impressive lift than what Vlad's been offering, but also doesn't do much to move the opponent. Spitfire wedges under Vlad's side with the arm still in the air. Vlad escapes and gets hit by the saws.

Spitfire charges toward Vlad. It gets the wedge under Vlad, and that wedge tips Vlad on its side, and then over onto its head.

Some more driving. Again, Spitfire gets under the rear end of Vlad. The arm goes up, and Vlad is flipped back onto its stomach.

Spitfire chases Vlad into the spike strip. It wedges under Vlad so Vlad's wheels leave the floor. Spitfire lifts the arm, and Vlad is knocked back onto its feet. Well, not feet. Wheels. You know what I mean. I'm just trying to vary the commentary a bit.

Some driving. Vlad is looking scared. Spitfire drives around to Vlad's rear again, but this time Vlad quickly drives away. Spitfire is on the offensive. Vlad is looking kind of weak.

Spitfire wedges under Vlad's side, getting a good hold of the bot. Instead of lifting the arm, Spitfire realizes it would be a better idea to push Vlad toward a sledgehammer. Vlad slips off before Spitfire can get it to the corner, though, and while Vlad does drive underneath the hammer, it avoids being hit.

What just happened there? Vlad drove into a spinning screw. The next thing you know, there's a stiff black strip sticking out of the screw at an odd angle, and the screw has stopped moving. Did that come out of Vlad or the floor?

Vlad tries some charges toward Spitfire, but they don't succeed. The rest of the fight consists of both bots fighting at close range. Since both of these robots do their best work when they back off and charge the opponent, nothing happens. Time is up. It goes to the judges.

The judges correctly declare Spitfire the winner, 27-18. In the exit interview, they "subtitle" Michael Lambert's British accent by typing everything he says phonetically at the bottom of the screen. To be fair, they also should have done the same for Arj -- "Firss time heer, todal upset, nahking out a majer! Fav'rit. Gage Kohshwa, how dozzit feel?"

Commercials. Only one of them is for that stupid "Porn 'n Chicken" movie.

Hey, something cool as filler! No, really! Carmen tells us that two years ago today, Comedy Central viewers first got to see the awesome Mechadon in a fight. And it's true -- give or take a day or two, it really was two years ago that the Mechadon fight aired! The only bad part was when Carmen said Mechadon was "a pretty cool-looking bot." Pretty cool? Dang, Mechadon is the coolest thing to come out of BattleBots. Is there anybody who doesn't think Mechadon is an awesome machine? It should host its own late-night talk show.

A segment about Inertia Labs' ventures into making drag racers out of power tools. Just watch where you position that drill.

Middleweights are up next. T-Minus versus TriDent. The only thing different about T-Minus is that the wheels now have a protective cover over them. TriDent is yet another robot from the Coolrobots team. Remember CUAD the Crusher? It's kind of like that, except the sides are boxlike and the arm in the middle rides along the floor when it's lowered, designed to get under opponents for a slow lift. Just comparing the robot designs in this fight, it looks fairly one-sided.

Hey, we already heard the introduction they used for TriDent in this fight. It's the same one they gave to Dreadnought in last week's episode. Sorry, but apparently Coolrobots will get only one unique introduction for the entire season.

It's robot tossin' time. The two robots meet in the center, and TriDent gets its arm under T-Minus. It lifts, but T-Minus simply drives off. T-Minus appears to be having trouble steering itself to get under TriDent. TriDent drives off and lifts its body off the floor. Then it puts its body back where it belongs. Get back out there and get flipped, you!

TriDent does so. T-Minus gets under TriDent's side, and whee! TriDent does a complete flip and lands right side up. TriDent runs.

TriDent goes over to some saws, which pop up and down. TriDent backs onto the saws, which grab it and send sparks across the floor. T-Minus drives up... and as soon as the saws put TriDent back on the floor, T-Minus gives the robot another flip. One and a half rotations this time.

TriDent just sits there. It rotates the arm around, pushing its body over so it self-rights. T-Minus looks at TriDent. As TriDent is balancing on its front (right before it plops back onto its bottom), T-Minus gets underneath and sends TriDent tumbling... onto some saws. Yeah, staying in one spot probably isn't going to be a good idea here.

TriDent drives around, adjusting the arm. T-Minus drives over some saws. TriDent gets under T-Minus and starts to lift. It tries to push T-Minus, but T-Minus falls off. T-Minus then gives TriDent another full flip from the rear.

TriDent goes over to some saws to get hit again. T-Minus comes over and flips TriDent onto its back.

T-Minus deals with a seam in the floor. TriDent drives across the Box into another set of saws.

TriDent has its arm pointed skyward a bit... it looks a lot like a tank. TriDent drives directly over some more saws. T-Minus tries a flip, but misses. But it doesn't miss the next time it tries. TriDent bounces around and remains on its back. So T-Minus flips it back over.

TriDent, with its arm still off the ground, drives into the front of T-Minus and begins to push. Say, now this actually works really well -- the sides of TriDent that make up its body push against the parts of T-Minus that don't consist of a flipping arm. T-Minus' flipping arm isn't under enough of TriDent to make a flip effective. I think this strategy would be the only chance TriDent has of winning this fight.

But after pushing T-Minus against a wall, TriDent puts its arm back on the ground, slides it under T-Minus, and attempts to lift. T-Minus isn't affected too much. Though it does then drive itself underneath a sledgehammer, absorbing a hit.

T-Minus' rear pushes on TriDent's front, and the two separate. TriDent charges T-Minus, and T-Minus flips it over. TriDent escapes by driving over a saw.

TriDent goes to the center of the box to right itself. T-Minus comes over to "help," but its attempt doesn't work. T-Minus briefly gets the arm under T-Minus. Nothing happens.

T-Minus tries another flip, but since TriDent has its body off the ground, it doesn't work. T-Minus drives up onto TriDent's lifting arm, which takes T-Minus' wheels off the ground. TriDent backs up, dragging T-Minus with it. The saws hit T-Minus, putting it back on the floor.

TriDent tries to lift T-Minus again. It kind of starts to work, but then the arm slips out. I really can't see how that arm will be effective.

T-Minus gives TriDent's body another pop. This keeps TriDent against the wall. Another lift, and TriDent's arm is up on the spike strip, with its body on T-Minus. TriDent tries to escape, but T-Minus lifts it onto its face. TriDent tries to get itself to land upside-down, but T-Minus shoves it against the wall and tosses it again. This all takes place directly in front of the judges' table. Gotta make sure they see how T-Minus is owning TriDent right now.

TriDent is struggling against the spike strip. It gets back on the floor, T-Minus misses the next flip, and time runs out. T-Minus is clearly the victor, and a 33-12 decision makes it official.

Post-fight interview. It's good that TriDent can take a lot of punishment, yes, but it helps if it can dish it out, too.

Commercials. They help to pay for the show, but I ignore them now. Nyah.

A segment about how the military is using robots for various applications, along with jokes about Gary Coleman and P. Diddy. Wow -- looking at it next to a normal name, "P. Diddy" sounds utterly ridiculous, doesn't it?

Heavyweight fight, right now! In the blue polygon is Ringmaster ("The Ringmaster"? Well, since no other source uses the "The" and it's a pain to type, I'm not bothering). It's got a spinning shell with several small teeth on it. Motion is provided by two tank-style treads. It's an invertible full-body spinner. I always find those fascinating, since they seem so difficult to make effective.

Ringmaster's opponent is Tazbot. For this fight, Tazbot is keeping the lifting arm up in the air so it won't get torn off, and has replaced its tail with a big metal plow. Of course, it's not just a boring, ordinary plow. It's a plow with a cool-looking design, befitting of such a unique robot as Tazbot.

There they go. Tazbot weaves to the center of the Box and waits for Ringmaster. Ringmaster gets up to speed and starts hitting Tazbot's plow. Tazbot begins to push Ringmaster around. Tazbot has the early upper hand, disorienting Ringmaster as it bounces the spinner in various directions.

Ringmaster gets away from Tazbot. It tries another attack on the plow, kind of rides up the plow, taps Tazbot's head a bit, but realizes that Tazbot will be able to push it around, so it leaves.

A collision between the two knocks Tazbot back. It turns around so its plow is facing Ringmaster again.

A hit that knocks both robots back a bit. Then Tazbot starts shoving Ringmaster around with the plow again. Tazbot charges and knocks Ringmaster back. Tazbot charges again and knocks Ringmaster back some more.

Tazbot isn't moving.

Ringmaster knows not to let this opportunity go to waste. It starts attacking the little feet on Tazbot. Surprisingly, the little feet don't get ripped off. The hits slowly turn Tazbot around. Ringmaster briefly chews on a tire, then tears off a piece of the plow. Ringmaster drives around Tazbot and gets touched by a saw.

Ringmaster charges the non-plow side of Tazbot and knocks it over some saw holes. The saws do some minor belly damage. Ringmaster hits Tazbot in the feet again. Those suckers will not come off. Ringmaster gets hit by another saw.

There's the countdown. It reaches zero, and Tazbot is already out of the tournament.

Replays, then immediately into commercials.

In the post-fight interview, Donald Hutson speculates on why Tazbot lost the fight. It turns out that he forgot to charge the battery for the transmitter. Ouch.

Some recaps and such, but since I've already gone over it before, I'm just going to skip it this time around.

I'm reading the fine print during the closing credits (or at least trying to read the fine print; it's really thin). One of the screens says that all contestants waive their rights to receive compensation for damages. I'm just imagining a competitor trying to sue BattleBots because their combat robot got destroyed during a fight.

There goes another get-rich-quick scheme I had.


Back to index