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My cape is yellow.


Tim informs us that tonight's fights will each contain one bot we've seen before and one "rookie." That is, if you define "rookie" as "bot that hasn't made it onto TV before." Except for Warhead, which we saw in the first episode, and actually is a rookie in this tournament. So that makes it "two bots that simply haven't appeared on the show before, one bot that hasn't appeared on the show before because it's a rookie, and one bot that has appeared on the show before but is a rookie." My head hurts.

The opening sequence. And hey, there's our first on-screen sponsor of the season! "This Comedy Central Sports presentation of 'BattleBots' is brought to you by Wendy's late-night pick-up window." Only the late-night pick-up window. What are you doing going to Wendy's in the daytime, fool?

The first fight tonight will be in the lightweight division. Wireless Wonder is a newbie pushbot. In the front are three pairs of wedged hooks, making the robot look the same when upside-down. Wedge of Doom is the veteran. The wedge part of Wedge of Doom is now a larger scoop shape, with a gap in the middle for the lifting arm. The lifting arm now consists of two tines.

No fancy intros, it's just robot fightin' time. Wireless Wonder takes off like a bat out of a very warm place and runs directly into Wedge of Doom. Before Wedge of Doom even knows what's going on, Wireless Wonder has ramped up the front wedge of Wedge of Doom and goes bouncing along the BattleBox floor.

Wedge of Doom turns around and goes after Wireless Wonder. It rams Wireless Wonder in the side, bouncing the robot around again. Those are some very effective wedges.

Charge! Both robots charge each other. They miss, then Wedge of Doom returns to try again. The collision doesn't scoop under Wireless Wonder, so Wedge of Doom turns around and pushes Wireless Wonder with its rear end. Wireless Wonder drives away... over the killsaws. The robot slides across the floor on its side tires. Wireless Wonder is getting some pretty good air here.

Wireless Wonder has no trouble being upside-down (or did that right the robot after already being upside-down?). Another collision, neither robot goes flying.

The same thing happens in the next collision. But then as Wedge of Doom charges Wireless Wonder again, Wireless Wonder goes up the ramp and bounces around some more. Wedge of Doom hasn't even tried to use the lifting arm yet.

Wedge of Doom gives Wireless Wonder a pop to the side. Wireless Wonder drives away. Wedge of Doom gives chase, but Wireless Wonder is faking Wedge of Doom out in an effort to get at Wedge of Doom's side (since heaven knows that wedge is kicking Wireless Wonder's butt). Wedge of Doom refuses to allow that effort to succeed, though.

Another collision, and Wireless Wonder stays on the ground for the most part. Wedge of Doom has its arm partially up, which is ruining the bot-tossing powers of the wedge. Wireless Wonder gets a little more air by driving itself over the saws.

Wedge of Doom drives near a sledgehammer, and Wireless Wonder attacks. However, Wireless Wonder comes close to being pounded. In fact, on Pete's second try, he successfully hits Wireless Wonder. No noticeable damage.

Wedge of Doom tries to work Wireless Wonder over toward an entrance ramp. We get to see Wedge of Doom activate the lifting arm -- wow, it pops up quickly this season. It was nowhere near being under Wireless Wonder, though.

Some positioning action, and a few head-to-head hits that don't affect either party. Then there's another instance of Wireless Wonder ramping up Wedge of Doom's wedges, landing on Wedge of Doom's back and moving off. Then it happens again, this time flipping Wireless Wonder over.

Another charge by Wedge of Doom knocks Wireless Wonder around a little. Then a nice charge by both bots that gives Wireless Wonder some more time in the air and flips it again.

Wedge of Doom nearly flips Wireless Wonder by hitting it in the side. Then almost flips it by hitting it in the front.

As Wireless Wonder alternates between running away from Wedge of Doom and getting disoriented by the wedge, Tim starts talking about Tony Buchignani's turn-ons. Then he implies that Bil might stand a chance. Just because people say a sense of humor is a turn-on doesn't mean you stand a chance. Don't I know that... you'll regret it someday, Angie...

No, I'm fine.

While that aside was taking place, Wireless Wonder took a little bit of air from Wedge of Doom's wedge four times, but wasn't flipped. Wedge of Doom clearly has Wireless Wonder on the defensive.

Wireless Wonder rides the saws. Wedge of Doom takes a bite from them, as well. Wedge of Doom charges Wireless Wonder, causing Wireless Wonder to ramp up the wedge once more.

Bil speculates that Wireless Wonder may have been inspired by Wedge of Doom. I'd guess New Cruelty myself, since it comes a lot closer to resembling the super heavyweight. Mostly the fact that Wireless Wonder's body, wheels, and weapon don't look much like Wedge of Doom's.

Wireless Wonder teases the sledgehammer. Then it charges forward and ramps over Wedge of Doom's wedge again.

Wedge of Doom tries to use the lifting arm in one last collision, but Wireless Wonder bounces off. The fight ends with Wireless Wonder pushing Wedge of Doom sideways by its lifting arm. But I don't think that'll give it the win.

29 to 16 equals victory for Wedge of Doom. A brief clip of an interview of Team Hazard. It might even have taken place after this fight.

The ol' roll call as they go to commercial. Arj Barker is the only one not shown smiling. His facial expression is that of a primate that has never seen a television camera before. Thing is, he's not acting in that shot.

Coming out of the break, it would appear that the show now has "pit girls." Right now they're in the pits (obviously), supposedly giving Jim Smentowski a bit of a makeover before his fight with Nightmare later on in the show. Actually, from where I'm sitting, it looks like they're not giving him a makeover so much as they're manhandling his face.

What's this...? Now there's a segment about a guy hired by the show to play "the fan's fan." He's balding, overweight, and dressed up in a very flattering skintight black outfit with cape. He's the fan's fan, eh? Oh yeah? Is that so? Well, where's your web site, Carl? Where are your modifications of the RC toys, Carl?! Huh, Carl?! You wanna go?! You wanna piece?!? BRING IT ON!!!

Wha..? Oh, sorry. I don't know what came over me there. I'm okay now. Really.

(Carl, you ain't got nothin'.)

Moving up to the middleweights now -- Twin Paradox vs. S.O.B. I don't remember much about Twin Paradox from the last time it appeared in season three, so I'm not sure exactly what has changed. I'm pretty sure the spinning disk is lower to the ground now. Also, the spinning disk now has only two teeth, la Nightmare.

S.O.B. appears to be loosely based on Dead Metal from "Robot Wars." The majority of the robot is a large dustpan shape that scoops up opponents. Then, mounted on the back of the dustpan, an arm with a saw blade on the end will lower onto the opponent to damage it. Hey, at least they didn't model their robot after Sergeant Bash.

It's time to see some robot fightin'. S.O.B. starts the fight with the arm sticking out from behind, to deter Twin Paradox from attacking its rear. Except that with that big spinning weapon on Twin Paradox, that arm looks mighty vulnerable pointing out the back.

S.O.B. takes the long way around the BattleBox in an attempt to scoop up Twin Paradox from behind. But Twin Paradox spins around at the last moment and hits S.O.B. in the dustpan.

A little maneuvering, and S.O.B. scoops up Twin Paradox. The first stop is a big slam into the spike strip. Time to see how the weapon works.

The first time, the weapon is lowered too quickly, and the saw blade just comes to an abrupt halt. But then S.O.B. lowers the blade gently onto the top armor of Twin Paradox... sparks! Twin Paradox has titanium armor, which will make a lot of sparks, but I guarantee it won't be damaged by the saw blade. The saw produces sparks a second time. Twin Paradox spins its tires, but since none of them are touching the ground, that does no good.

The third lowering causes the blade to immediately stop again. S.O.B. releases Twin Paradox. Twin Paradox tries driving forward, but only runs its disk into S.O.B. And since the disk isn't spinning right now, that also doesn't help.

So S.O.B. pins Twin Paradox again and sets back to work at making sparks. Twin Paradox begins to spin the disk, which pushes S.O.B. off. Twin Paradox runs away, but S.O.B. won't let Twin Paradox escape so easily. It gives chase, hitting Twin Paradox with the blade, producing more sparks.

Twin Paradox is less concerned about S.O.B.'s saw than it is the nearby sledgehammer, so it takes a few scrapes while avoiding being pounded. But it drives back onto S.O.B.'s dustpan, and S.O.B. takes control. It again pushes Twin Paradox to the spike strip for stability. More sparks. The end results are just scratches; nothing more.

Twin Paradox gets free and runs to the center of the Box. It drives over some killsaws, then circles around right into S.O.B.'s dustpan. S.O.B. spends a lot of time just pushing Twin Paradox around. At one point, S.O.B. gets hit by the killsaws.

I think S.O.B. wants to chew on one of Twin Paradox's tires. It's close, but the saw only touches armor. More sparks. The sound effects continue to be added in post-production.

Hey now... smoke is escaping from the hole where S.O.B.'s arm connects to the dustpan. Twin Paradox escapes, and S.O.B. checks to see if the arm is still working... it is.

But it looks like S.O.B. has lost power to its right wheel, because it can only go in circles. Twin Paradox has its disk up to speed again, but it looks like it also is having trouble steering. It tries to move straight toward S.O.B., but is making turns instead.

The two robots look like they're doing some kind of line dance where they spin in place and don't touch each other. Lots of spinning. Whoa, now smoke is starting to pour out of the left side of S.O.B.

An extended shot of Rich Sjoberg. When we see the robots again, Twin Paradox has gotten its flat pushing side to connect with the side of S.O.B. It starts to push S.O.B. around. It's trying to get S.O.B. over the killsaws, but the pushing is now going very slowly.

Twin Paradox is still having drive problems. It tries to spin in place to hit S.O.B. with the disk. It does, but causes no damage. All further attempts to spin in place and hit S.O.B. with the disk don't succeed.

Twin Paradox is able to drive backward long enough to run into the back of S.O.B. While S.O.B.'s saw makes a few sparks, Twin Paradox pushes S.O.B. over the killsaws. The fight ends with neither robot moving.

Tim asks Carmen what she thought of the fight. Wow, we went through the entire first segment (and most of the second) without hearing her say anything! That has to be some kind of record.

Ah, we go to the traditional hand-raising for the results. The score is 26 to 19. The winner is S.O.B.

Immediately into commercials. Still two fights left, so it's all good.

The usual safety disclaimer, and then it's another installment of Lessons with Professor Electra's Privates. Same opening sequence, same half-buttoned shirt. It looks like she's in an alternate dimension with that solid black background.

Today's lesson is how a transmitter works. It's so easy, even Carmen can demonstrate it!

Let's look at some super heavyweights. Codebreaker is from the team that brought us Double Agent. It's a Vladiator-like box with a spinning drum in the front. Techno Destructo, its opponent, appears to be relatively unchanged externally.

Ye olde fightin' tyme. Both robots charge to the center of the Box, where Codebreaker's drum meets Techno Destructo's arm. Codebreaker backs off and attacks from a slightly different angle, but ends up balanced on the end of Techno Destructo's arm. Techno Destructo... doesn't lift. Is something wrong with the arm?

Techno Destructo turns, and Codebreaker looks for a new point to attack. When Techno Destructo faces Codebreaker again, Codebreaker moves forward onto the arm, then quickly backs off. Techno Destructo raises the arm a bit too late. At least it's working.

Codebreaker starts to attack Techno Destructo in the side and tire, pushing it toward the ramrods. Codebreaker then pushes Techno Destructo against the wall, and again sits on the arm for a moment. Techno Destructo doesn't react.

Some turning, and Techno Destructo begins to push Codebreaker in the side. After a few seconds, Techno Destructo raises the arm, which isn't under Codebreaker far enough for it to work. The arm makes a couple of sparks as it scrapes Codebreaker's side.

Codebreaker goes back to drumming on the side and tire. A couple of tiny pieces of Techno Destructo's armor fly off. The robots turn, and Techno Destructo gets under Codebreaker. The arm goes up, and Codebreaker flips completely over in the air before landing right side up! That's why we like watching Techno Destructo!

Techno Destructo gets under again and gives Codebreaker another flip, bouncing it around on the floor before it lands upside-down. All right, now Techno Destructo is in form.

Codebreaker drives onto the saws for some sparks. A little positioning, and Codebreaker attacks Techno Destructo in the arm again. But the arm goes up, and so does Codebreaker. Codebreaker briefly stands on its back end, then topples over so it's right side up again. That looked pretty cool.

Techno Destructo lifts air, and Codebreaker attacks the bottom of the arm with the drum. Codebreaker attacks the front, and escapes before Techno Destructo can flip it again. Codebreaker attacks Techno Destructo's other side, and pushes it over the saws, which meet one of Techno Destructo's tires.

One of the hits from Codebreaker's drum tilts Techno Destructo into the air, so Codebreaker gets underneath. A little pushing, and Codebreaker uses a screw to lift Techno Destructo up some more. Now Techno Destructo is balanced on a screw (which quit spinning under its weight) and Codebreaker.

Codebreaker moves so Techno Destructo can get back to the floor. However, Codebreaker intends to push Techno Destructo under the nearby sledgehammer. If Pete would just lift the hammer off the ground... there we go. One pound to the top of Techno Destructo. Then a second. Then Codebreaker gets under Techno Destructo again and balances the robot on its back.

It appears that Codebreaker doesn't want to give Techno Destructo a piggyback ride, as it drives under the hammer and tries to use it to pull Techno Destructo off. After a few tries, and after taking a few hammer blows of its own, Codebreaker gets Techno Destructo back on its own two wheels. Darn lazy robots that want to be carried all over the place...

Techno Destructo's own two wheels, though, aren't moving. Codebreaker pushes Techno Destructo over some saws and winds up tasting them as well. Codebreaker goes around and pushes Techno Destructo back over the saws. The saws pop up and begin chewing on Techno Destructo's belly. Bright titanium sparks! Whoo-hoo!

The neat thing (for us) is the fact that the saws aren't pushing Techno Destructo away -- they're just cutting into the titanium. So the saws pop up a second time. Man, those are a lot of bright white sparks! This is great!

Codebreaker does the victory dance and Techno Destructo gets a third dose of killsaws. Then a fourth! Yes! This is damaging my corneas, and I don't care!

The ref starts counting down Techno Destructo. Quickly. As soon as the camera leaves the shot of the ref, the counting slows down, as if the audio has been edited to make the counting sound slower than it really was. The buzzer sounds as the on-screen timer hits zero. So was it a knockout or not?

Yes, it was a knockout, at two minutes and fifty-nine seconds. Looks like that Techno Destructo vs. Toro dream fight will have to wait another six months.

Another set of commercials. Again, they hype the Nightmare vs. Warhead fight. They'd better get to it soon; they're running out of time.

Jim Smentowski is a "BattleBots All Star." In other words, it's time for another visit to his garage for a talk about Nightmare. More powerful motor for a more powerful spinning disk. And it's hard to sleep when the event draws near. I get that way, too, and I've never even attended one in person.

Instead of the usual old Mark Biero introductions, the competitors in this fight are given the treatment one might give for the presentation of a new model of car, or possibly a washing machine on "Let's Make a Deal." Shimmering curtains and a model wearing a sequined dress rubbing her hand over the robots. Instead of a real announcer though, Carmen reads the introductions.

Boy, they sure do like to shoot Warhead while it's testing its weapon and drive systems before the fight begins. And now the fight has begun.

Both robots' weapons are up to full speed. Will they go at it head-to-head? No, it looks like they're going to play the strategy game and aim for the vulnerable appendages -- Warhead is looking at Nightmare's wheels, and Nightmare is looking at Warhead's wings.

Warhead is on the defensive, as Nightmare slowly spins in place to keep itself pointed at Warhead (actually, Nightmare has to spin in place slowly, lest the gyroscopic forces of the disk flip the bot over). But now the two are weapon-to-weapon again, and Nightmare approaches.

Smack! A piece of something goes flying. And now Nightmare is dancing! It's not dancing a Mauler dance; it's doing its own unique jig, bouncing from tire to tire.

Warhead turns and hits Nightmare in a wheel, knocking the robot up in the air. A belt from Nightmare is lying on the floor. Nightmare lands on its wheels, and the spinning disk is slowing down. Warhead gives a slight hit to the other side of Nightmare.

The disk stops spinning. Nightmare is missing a tooth! That piece that went flying -- that was Nightmare's tooth! Ripped it clean off the disk, along with the part of the disk the tooth was attached to! Holy smoke!

Warhead hits Nightmare in the wheel. It then goes after the motionless disk. It hits the disk, the disk wobbles, and the force of the hit turns Nightmare so its wheel comes into contact with Warhead's spinning dome. And Warhead tears the wheel off of Nightmare's body! Important mechanical components are strewn along the floor! Did I mention holy smoke?!

The Warhead boys are in a frenzy second in intensity only to the riots of Team Loki. Warhead goes into its victory celebration, flapping its wings and bowing. How's that for mechanical violence?

Time for the exit interviews. Jim Smentowski is laughing about the damage. But then Arj asks the fatal question -- "Are you coming back with him, Gary Coleman?" You know what's next: "Absolutely. UGO.com and Team Nightmare are a perfect combination." At least he remembered to mention a proper noun related to BattleBots this time.

Tony Rock poses this query: "Okay, now how would the Warhead fare against another robot such as like, uh, like a R2-D2 or something like that?" Me, I'd rather see Warhead take on Jar Jar Binks.

The recaps, because there's nothing better to do. Then we follow Sean Irvin into a portable toilet as he talks on his cell phone about Techno Destructo's defeat. A lone toilet, located in the middle of the pits and with Comedy Central logos on the exterior and interior. Must be for a new series they're debuting this fall.


And now, for absolutely no good reason, here are some things that rhyme with "BattleBots."

TattleTots

PaddleShots

CattleDots

StraddleSquats

RattlePots

SaddleSpots

AstroNauts

CamelSnot

SalmonBalls



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