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Season three, episode nine


Do you like super heavyweights? Do you like finals? Then this is the episode for you!

Do you like lightweights? Do you like middleweights? Then you'll probably enjoy parts of this episode as well!

Do you like heavyweights? Do you like rumbles? Too bad, because they're not airing any heavyweights or rumbles tonight!

Tim Green hypes up the start of this episode by narrating that "many have come, but few have survived the most grueling robot combat competition in the world." To the people that put this episode together, grueling robot combat competition is best represented visually by Slam Job being carried through the pits.

Okey doke, let's start with some lightweights. Herr GepoŁnden is pretty much the same thing as Blade Runner. Dr. Inferno Jr. is the same thing as it was last time we saw it.

Well, before we get to the fight... hey, they didn't throw any filler in! They're actually going directly to the fight!

Time for battlebots to battle. For whatever reason, the ramps are activated immediately after the lights turn green. Both robots wait for Pete to quit, then they meet in the center. Herr GepoŁnden gets the first blows in, hitting Dr. Inferno Jr. in its base. It might be worth noting that Dr. Inferno Jr. didn't bother to replace the decorative shell it lost in its fight with Toe Crusher. But probably not.

Dr. Inferno Jr. pushes Herr GepoŁnden around and eventually flips it. Herr GepoŁnden drives around at random while Dr. Inferno Jr.'s skirts keep running into protrusions on the Battlebox floor.

Herr GepoŁnden works its way into the center of the box and starts spinning. Dr. Inferno Jr. just sits there and looks. If it could talk, it would say, "What am I, an idiot?" The ramps pop up and throw Herr GepoŁnden around a bit. Dr. Inferno Jr. comes in, but still receives a good-sized blow from Herr GepoŁnden.

Man, these are the two most cumbersome names I've had to type this season.

(Sorry about this...) DIJ gets under HG and catches HG's wepon under its arm. After some driving around, trying to get HG over the saws, DIJ does indeed get HG over the saws. The saws pop up and take little pieces out of HG. DIJ does a little maneuvering and places one of the little wheels on the side of HG (designed to make it easier to wheel it in and out of the box, I guess) directly over the saw. The saws continuously spin and work their way into the wheel support, sending a small but steady stream of sparks shooting savagely.

Time is called because the robots need to be separated.

The rest of the fight isn't too interesting. The best part comes in the last few seconds. Herr GepoŁnden is spinning and Dr. Inferno Jr. is just watching. So as time runs out, it starts to spin, too. Fun fact: Comedy Central didn't air it, but word has it that in the Herr GepoŁnden versus The Crusher fight, Thomas Petruccelli did the same thing with his robot. These two-wheeled spinners sure do make lots of friends!

The 27-18 decision belongs to Dr. Inferno Jr. Jason Bardis thrusts a novelty boxing glove into the viewers' faces in celebration.

Hmm, still no filler, going right to commercial. This is highly unusual. And pleasant.

Speaking of unusual, the battlebots.com plug this time is some random shots from M.O.E.'s mini-cam while Overkill doesn't hit it.

All righty, here's that middleweight fight I promised you. T-Minus versus T-Wrex. I'm rather baffled as to how T-Wrex has accumulated three knockouts in its first five fights. T-Minus, on the other hand, is five for five in KO's. I want T-Minus as a pet.

Wow, they're going directly into this fight, too. Either we're going to see four fights in this half hour or there's gonna be some pain a-comin' down the road.

Main light turn on (again, I must apologize). T-Minus and T-Wrex head for each other. T-Minus gets near T-Wrex, but T-Wrex starts spinning around, as robots of this design are wont to do. T-Minus knows better than to walk into that, so it waits. The second time T-Wrex stops spinning, T-Minus heads in for a flip. The foot doesn't quite get under T-Wrex, though, and T-Minus only manages to flip itself onto its head.

T-Minus quickly does a 540į flip and lands right side up, earning some appreciative applause from the audience.

A lot of this fight is T-Minus driving toward T-Wrex, then not being able to get its foot under T-Wrex to flip it. T-Minus escapes, T-Wrex spins, T-Wrex quits spinning, T-Minus tries to get under T-Wrex but can't, repeat.

At some point, T-Wrex does give T-Minus a hearty whack, knocking the bot about a bit. Then another. And another. And another. And half as hard a hit. And another.

T-Minus is just plain having trouble getting under T-Wrex to flip it. At one point, though, it does manage to push T-Wrex over some saws, producing those beautiful bright white sparks that everybody loves. Remind me to saw up some aluminum sometime just for pleasure.

T-Minus tries to flip, but misses and lands on its head again. The first self-righting flip doesn't quite do it, but the second one does. Winning or not, T-Minus is definitely the more interesting to watch here.

T-Minus heads back to the center, and T-Wrex delivers another blow. T-Minus immediately stops moving. Team Inertia Labs begins to try to fix the joystick base, but T-Minus appears to be off.

T-Wrex pushes T-Minus a little bit, then starts spinning. Only problem is, for a two-wheeled spinner to be effective, it really needs its opponent to drive into it. With T-Minus just sitting there, dead, all T-Wrex can do is spin foolishly and not hit its opponent.

T-Wrex pushes T-Minus onto a piston, but it turns out that the pistons are really stupid weapons. After T-Minus isn't knocked over by the piston, T-Wrex kind of tries to push T-Minus onto the saws, knicking it. Hey, T-Wrex, drive yourself over the saws! Please? It looks so pretty!

Nope, T-Minus is counted out. Guess we'll have to wait for more sparks. Clearly the problem here was that T-Minus couldn't activate its flipping arm without inverting itself, so it had to be very selective about when to raise it. Back to the drawing board for T-Minus.

Hey, another commercial. Maybe they plumb ran out of filler.

Okay, the third fight is Gamma Raptor versus Mouser Super Mecha-Catbot and the only filler is just clips of past fights for these two.

Wow, right into the fight again. This is fun now!

When the light turns green, Gamma Raptor shoots across the box. Unfortunately, it isn't able to do anything to Mouser once it gets there. Mouser has equal difficulty doing anything to Gamma Raptor. Two flipping arms, zero flips.

Mouser does tap Gamma Raptor with its tail. Gamma Raptor kind of gets under Mouser and quickly pushes it into a wall. Mouser then activates all of its weapons while Gamma Raptor is nowhere nearby.

A piston doesn't come into play. Gamma Raptor then gets under Mouser, pushes it toward the rear of the Battlebox, bounces Mouser into a screw, and Mouser is flipped on its back. Mouser tries to activate its lifting spikes, but either they weren't designed to flip the bot or there's too much stuff in the way.

Fon Davis indicates that Mouser is gone. Gamma Raptor drives over to push Mouser underneath the nearby sledgehammer. As the sledgehammer wails on Mouser's underbelly, Fon finally gets the referee to count him out. When the buzzer sounds, the hammer continues to pound away on Mouser. Fon is not happy at all.

Fon explains the situation to Traci Bingham (make up your own joke for this sentence; I'm feeling kind tonight). He's a lot calmer than he was up on the driver's platform.

Oh, drat. They found some filler.

Team Raptor lives in Arizona, where it's very hot. 100+ degree temperatures are not good for robots (hey, we finally got to see what exactly Tripulta Raptor looks like when it's using its weapon). So when it gets very hot outside, Team Raptor picks up four Hooters girls that were hired by Comedy Central and relaxes in the pool in Bank One Ballpark, also rented by Comedy Central. Right now Derek Young is saying, "And all they gave me was a video camera?!"

Commercial. The old fight clip this week comes from the most destructive final in the show's history. Backlash tears up Alpha Raptor. Comedy Central giveth a pool and babes in swimsuits, Comedy Central taketh away pride.

Apparently they decided to save up all their filler segments for this portion of the show. First, Bil interviews Chuck Pitzer of Team Raptor. Chuck reveals that Gamma Raptor is the final incarnation of the lightweight raptors. Aw, but I was really looking forward to referring to a robot named Omicron Raptor!

Then Bill Nye shows us clips of "cool" robots. Of the clips, my favorite is the one where we see Mecha Tentoumushi being squished by a sledgehammer.

All right. The first half is out of the way, now it's time to watch Toro win the super heavyweight title.

Right now, though, it's Vladiator versus Diesector. We're shown a clip of Donald Hutson talking about winning from an interview that took place no time near this fight. We're also shown a clip of Gage Cauchois talking about how he and his opponent will flip each other, which could've referred to Techno Destructo for all we know.

In case you didn't see the episode, yeah, the lame triangles announcing that these are semifinals are still visible.

Both Diesector and Vladiator have no qualms about getting in the other robot's face. After a couple tries, Vladiator (surprisingly) is the one whose lifting arm wins out, and it drives Diesector into the wall, slams it, and flips it.

Diesector takes a little time to try to realign its jaws. It doesn't finish when it continues to engage Vladiator. Diesector pushes Vladiator into a screw. Vladiator pushes Diesector into a different screw. Diesector gets airborne and lands on Vladiator, still upside-down.

Diesector and Vladiator simultaneously drive over different sets of saws. Vladiator is flipped. Diesector is really smacking away with those hammers.

Diesector pushes Vladiator toward a sledgehammer, but Diesector is the one to get hit. Both robots are still trying to lock their lifting weapons together. Vladiator pushes Diesector up the entrance ramp and into the door, giving the door quite a shake and the audience quite a start.

Diesector escapes when Vladiator pushes it over the wall next to the entrance ramp. Some more driving, and Diesector gets its jaws under Vladiator. Diesector is slowly pushing Vladiator toward a sledgehammer... but Vladiator escapes.

The two drive around, and Diesector gets Vladiator into the same spot with the same sledgehammer. This time, Diesector successfully pushes Vladiator onto the yellow circle so Vladiator can receive multiple blows from all nearby hammers, both small yellow ones and big silvery ones.

Smoke starts to come out of Vladiator and Vladiator tries to drive over Diesector. Diesector is able to remain underneath, though, and gets under Vladiator's side to push it across to the next sledgehammer.

Vladiator's body runs into the spike strip and Vladiator gets away. Diesector immediately follows. Time runs out. And gets some doughnuts.

Somebody gets the crowd to chant "Three more minutes!" When we see the teams standing, waiting for the results, nobody in the crowd can be seen chanting, and the noise fades away as if somebody was pushing a fader on an audio mixing board downward.

It's a close call, as was to be expected, 24-21. The winner is the unlikely Vladiator. Is it just me, or did nobody expect Vladiator to make it to the finals? It has a small, singular lifting spike and it drives around like somebody gave it a hotfoot. I'm pretty surprised.

For battlebots.com plug #2, it's Vladiator pushing Diesector and flipping it. Okay, now this time there aren't any heavyweights scheduled to be seen. I do believe this could very well be the first episode where we don't see Nightmare obliterating Slam Job. I'll keep you posted.

You know what Battlebots needs? Advertising. What, you say, they already have Snapple and Keystone Light ads in the show? I mean advertising for Battlebots products themselves! Toys! Lots of toys! That you can buy! Now!

Here's what we see: the Mauler Grip 'n Grappler in its packaging, the Ziggo Grip 'n Grappler out of its packaging, the Toro Grip 'n Grappler, the Battlebox playset with hammers a-whacking, the Tazbot Grip 'n Grappler with its head popping off, The Vlad the Impaler Battle Basher, the Toro Grip 'n Grappler again, the Atomic Wedgie Battle Basher, the Backlash Battle Basher, the Ronin Battle Basher, the Minion Battle Basher, the radio-controlled BioHazard being driven in the real Battlebox (very cool, but where's its lower lifting lip?), two guys playing with the Ziggo and Diesector Grip 'n Grapplers on top of the real Diesector, the Deadblow Metal Mechanics (buy me one for Christmas, please), the Spinbots playset, the Mauler and BioHazard keychains, the radio-controlled Diesector propped up on the real Diesector's tail, two Ronin toys in the toy Battlebox, the Atomic Wedgie Battle Basher being driven into the camera, the radio-controlled Diesector and BioHazard fighting, and Carlo Bertocchini giving his approval.

(Hey, Comedy Central -- now that's obsessive.)

Then we follow Trey Roski and Greg Munson as they go to Hong Kong to look at the toys in development. We see Trey spinning what appears to be either a radio-controlled Deadblow or KillerHurtz (which I believe means it has to be Deadblow, given the licensing rules). He then urges us to buy as many toys as we can. See, Comedy Central, if you try to pass this off as a kids' show, then what you're doing right now is illegal.

Here we go, Minion versus Toro. Minion can't self-right, so this should be quick and beautiful for Toro.

Eek, they've let the bare-chested TORO guys go up next to the Lexan walls while Toro is introduced. Why isn't at least one of them wearing a beer-dispensing hat?

Here we go! Toro quickly starts toward Minion, but as Minion quickly comes forward with its wheel going at full speed, Toro makes a fast U-turn. Toro is trying to go around Minion to get at it under its side, but Minion is pivoting in the center, aiming its wheel at Toro no matter what. Minion tries to charge, but Toro gets away. Toro continues to circle, but Minion continues to pivot. Minion gets Toro near a wall and the two charge at each other, weapon-to-weapon.

Minion's wheel is the first to connect, knocking Toro into the air and sending CO2 shooting out of Toro's body. Toro activates its lifting arm after it's propelled into the air. When Toro lands, there's still a good stream of CO2 leaking out.

The leak stops, and the two robots drive around. Minion drives over a set of saws. Toro drives right into Minion and pushes Minion up. I would almost guarantee that Toro's flipping arm has been deactivated now.

Yep. Toro backs into Minion, pushing its side against the wall. Then Toro does it again. While Minion struggles with the wall, Toro gets its front under Minion's wedge. Yeah, Toro's arm is definitely out of commission, 'cause this would be a great time to activate it.

Despite having no weapon now, Toro is dominating over Minion by pushing it into various things. Minion's spinning wheel slams into a screw (yay!). Minion drives over a saw. Toro puts its rear against Minion and nearly pushes it under a sledgehammer before Minion drives away.

Minion gets its wheel into Toro's rear. Minion's wheel begins to smoke... again. Toro drives over some saws. Toro is moving more slowly now.

Toro tries to drive toward Minion, but Minion's got its wheel pointed at Toro. Toro tries to go around, that doesn't work, but Minion does drive over the saws. Toro rams into Minion's side, but doesn't appear to have the power to push Minion any more.

The rest of the fight is Minion getting the occasional pop on Toro while Toro sluggishly moves around, much like the bull does after you throw a few spears into its back and force it to run around while it's bleeding.

Time. Minion does the victory dance.

It's a 27-18 decision, and it goes to Minion.

Man, Toro was my lock to win. I am thoroughly bummed -- I've only correctly called one of the past five fights, and all of my favorite bots are out now. Sigh, I don't even care whether Minion or Vladiator wins the championship. I've got no desire to finish this one. I'm... I'm going to leave for the rest of the episode. Tell you what. I was going to save this for when I really fell behind in these summaries, but I'm just going to use it now. I've been working on a computerized me to watch the episode and summarize and make jokes so I could go do other things. I'm going to let it do the rest of this episode while I go drown my sorrows or something.

(runs aisumrys.exe)

Wow, these commercials are lame, ha ha. Tim Green tells us to be careful while building a robot and to always wear our safety goggles. This is a silly thing to always be adding, to be sure. But the man in the clip isn't wearing safety goggles, only glasses. Are these people even paying attention to see what clips they're using? If they say "safety goggles," they should show a guy wearing safety goggles, even if he's just walking out to the food table.

Before we get to see who the super heavyweight champion is, we are going to see what the middleweight semifinals will be. Yes, we were already told that Little Drummer Boy defeated Eraser -- there's another twenty seconds of my life down the toilet. SABotage defeated Twin Paradox. Whoo! Got one right! That's one out of three for me! You may call me Nostradamus.

Hazard defeated F5. It looks like the two robots got stuck together on first collision. But then F5 was placed on its side, so it was immobilized. Hazard celebrated by hitting F5. Hazard will next it will fight T-Wrex, which we already saw and which amazingly wasn't shown to us again.

Before we get to see who the super heavyweight champion is, now Bill Nye is going to fill time by randomly selecting a super heavyweight rookie of the year. (Okay, it's not random -- for example, you wouldn't choose IceBerg, but still...) For some unknown reason, Ogre is mentioned, even though it was nothing but a box with spikes. Thinking about it, there weren't too many rookie heavyweights to go very far, though. The Judge is mentioned, but Vladiator is given the pointless title because it's in the finals and because it would hurt Bill Nye's brain to use any sort of subjective criteria that would quickly point out that The Judge is simply better than Vladiator.

When the pointless segment ends, the production people realize that they completely forgot Techno Destructo, so Bil is forced to quickly tack a mention of its name onto the end. Even though there was a fight between the two, Techno Destructo is probably better than Vladiator, too.

Before we get to see who the super heavyweight champion is, there are more commercials.

Before we get to see who the super heavyweight champion is, they're showing a new screen where they pretend to look at advantages of the finalists. Vladiator is given a checkmark by offense and Minion is given a checkmark by defense (the robots operate similarly, and it is difficult to decide whether either of these robots has a defense -- it appears to me that defensive power is limited to armor and driving away from danger, and both robots do this in the same quantities). Then there is an "Intangibles" category that allow them to blather about whatever they feel like. Both robots receive a checkmark in the "Intangibles" category, why not.

Now they're going to show the super heavyweight finals fight -- hey, there's a nifty idea!

Robot fightin' time. Minion is using the same strategy it used for Toro by sitting and pointing its blade at Vladiator no matter where Vladiator goes. The first twenty seconds consist of the robots not touching each other.

Vladiator charges at Minion and is not damaged by Minion's wheel. After hitting Minion, Vladiator crashes into the spike strip.

Vladiator struggles and Minion comes in to hit Vladiator with its wheel. The wheel does no damage. Vladiator continues to be stuck on the spikes.

Minion sits back and takes a little bit to power its wheel back up. Vladiator wiggles, but can't free itself.

We had to sit through all that filler to watch this as a finals match? Nobody did anything.

The ref counts Vladiator out while Minion spins. Three... two...

Vladiator pulls away from the spike strip with only one second remaining in the countdown, leaving a huge rubber mark on the floor of the Battlebox. The referee signals that Vladiator is not counted out by waving his arms in a random manner that could not have been representative of real hand signals.

Vladiator starts to take several runs at Minion, not able to flip Minion, of course, because its lone spike is next to useless. But it does sort of kind of push Minion kind of. Minion does not get its wheel to connect with Vladiator.

Minion's wheel appears to have slowed down. After a while, Vladiator gets under Minion, pushes it across the box, and runs it into the entrance ramp on Minion's side of the box. Minion's wedge keeps Minion from going up the ramp.

Vladiator intends to hold Minion for the full 30 seconds it's allowed. I'm surprised they don't mention that Vladiator has never lost from the blue square -- of course, it's also never lost from the red square, but that wouldn't be worth pointing out right now. Unless it was in a German accent. I dislike Buddy Lee.

With a couple seconds left, Vladiator is forced to release Minion. Neither robot scores any major hits when time runs out.

The score is 26-19. The super heavyweight champion this time is Vladiator. I am as surprised as you that Vladiator won the whole thing. Maybe with the prize money it can get a useful weapon now.

In the post-fight you-have-to-say-things-to-Traci, Minion's driver reveals that he was told to back off Vladiator while it was counted out. Yeah, that's a shame, since Minion's weapon was doing so much damage in that fight. Traci then tells us that Minion 3 will be here next time. When was there a Minion 2? Maybe they're going to build a Minion 2 over the summer, scrap it, and then build a Minion 3.

Tim Green tells us that we will not soon forget this fight. Wait, what won't we forget? I forgot. Ha ha. The screws suck.

We see Gage Cauchois accept another large nut while the credits begin to roll. The episode ends, and

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