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Season three, episode six


Welcome to "Battlebots," the only show (besides the other two) where you'll see robots fighting. Real robots. Not those lame "Lost in Space"-type robots.

Snapple: Made from the best stuff on earth. Keystone Light: Always smooth, never bitter. Their slogans are interchangeable!

Now we're starting to follow some more robots (besides heavyweights) through more than one fight. You all remember Blood Moon, the wedge with the useless spinning square in the back. It opposes Mouser Super Mecha-Catbot (deep breath) in this lightweight fight. Mouser is an upside-down bowl with a saw blade, a spiked tail, and some lifting forks in the front. It really is a miracle all that could fit into a lightweight.

Somebody in the audience has a banner cheering Mouser on. It's made out of two pieces of notebook paper taped together. And colored pencils. Makes the guys with "TORO" painted on their bare stomachs look like they put some effort into it.

The fight starts with Mouser repeatedly lifting its lifting spikes, but not actually aiming them at Blood Moon while doing so. Blood Moon gets its wedge under Mouser and pushes it around. Mouser tries to hurt Blood Moon with its tail.

Blood Moon is lower to the ground than Mouser's spikes, and goes under Mouser again. Since Mouser is already up against a spike strip, there's precious little for Blood Moon to do, so it leaves. Blood Moon drives under a sledgehammer. Smack. Blood Moon flees.

Here's what we all came to see. Mouser sits over a killsaw hole. The saws pop up and fling Mouser across the box like a Frisbee. Bil and Tim say "Mouser." in unison.

Mouser gets tossed again. It's a good way of avoiding Blood Moon, I suppose.

Mouser and Blood Moon hang around one of the pistons. Mouser slowly circles, trying to hit Blood Moon with its tail. Blood Moon circles, trying to get under Mouser. Blood Moon drives over the piston. The piston rises. Blood Moon is tipped onto its side, where it sits perfectly still, seeing as it wheels are no longer touching the ground. Controversial victory courtesy of the piston #1.

Jordan Hackney sums the situation up perfectly -- "That sucks."

Mouser drives over and starts scratching Blood Moon with its tail. Absolutely no damage is done. Despite Jordan's pleas for Mouser to flip it back over, Blood Moon is counted out.

In the post-fight interview, Fon Davis says that he tried to flip Blood Moon back over, but that Blood Moon was too heavy. Didn't look like it to this viewer. He could have knocked it onto its back -- it had no way of self-righting there, either. But you can't knock a robot over by touching it with your tail.

Okay, let's get those results of other fights in right now. Overkill kills Robosapien. FrenZy towers over Towering Inferno. And Wedge of Doom spells doom for Mecha-Tentomoushi (there seem to be two exceptions to the official Battlebots rules that were established specifically for Mecha-Tentomoushi).

Wait a second. I've been getting my robot spellings from the on-screen graphics. Now I'm pretty sure the screen read "Mecha Tentoumushi" last week. And this week it reads "Mecha-Tentomoushi." I should've known better than to trust Comedy Central for such complicated things such as correct spelling or punctuation.

See, they do have other video clips for the battlebots.com plug. This time they show Ziggo destroying Wacker. Slam Job's driver complained that Comedy Central's showing of the other clip so often was giving him nightmares (ha ha!).

Tonight's first filler clip is about what the builders wear. You know, specially-designed shirts and whatnot. It's all quite dull. Team Loki's t-shirt shows sketches of all its robots, including what the t-shirt calls "Fire Truck" (a.k.a. Buddy Lee is Really Fresh Meat). That's something they want to brag about?

Speaking of middleweights (oh, we were), it's time for a fight between two of them. Hazard is the season one champ that wasn't in the season two tournament. It's a flat box with a steep wedge. On top of the box is a spinning lawnmower-like blade.

Hazard's opponent is Zion. It pretty much looks like Hazard minus the spinning blade.

Time to fight. Hazard and Zion meet in the center. Hazard's blade connects with the top of Zion, immediately bending some of Zion's armor upward.

Zion gets a lift from the ramrods, then wedges itself under Hazard. It pushes Hazard, tilting the former champion and causing its blade to whack into the Battlebox floor.

Hazard gets back up to speed. Zion keeps driving into Hazard and keeps getting hit by the spinning blade, receiving more and more damage. It drives head-first into Hazard, but Hazard's wedge is lower and Zion drives up and into the blade.

Zion's wedge no longer resembles a wedge. It resembles a cardboard box that somebody stepped on. Repeatedly.

Zion gets bashed by Hazard's blade again, but this time the blade stops moving. Bill Nye appears to tell us that Hazard only needs a few seconds to get up to full speed. Not right now, as the thing ain't going nowhere.

Hazard starts spinning, but another pop to Zion and the blade quits again. So Hazard opts to just push Zion around for a while. Zion's sturdy, but it sure isn't winning this fight.

Time's up. Hey, at least all the inner workings of Zion are intact. But the 34-11 decision knocks Zion out of the tourney.

Commercial. Bill Nye gets into the narration action by informing us to only construct a Battlebot with supervision. Does that include the model kits?

Another middleweight fight. SABotage is a big wedge with a lifting arm that looks like a miniature ladder. The arm can also close in on opponents and act as a clamping bot. Double Agent is still a parallelogram wedge.

SABotage looks cooler now that it's silver and has eyes painted onto it. Double Agent looks pretty cool, too, with its black and green paint job. But it's still not effective.

Fight! A few seconds in, and SABotage gets under Double Agent's side and flips it onto its back. Double Agent, its controls now reversed, has difficulty driving. Also, the wedge that's now closest to the ground doesn't scrape the ground, making it easy to get under.

Double Agent stumbles around and SABotage misses getting its arm underneath for awhile. When it does get under Double Agent, it's under the wedge, so when SABotage lifts, the inverted wedge in the back of Double Agent prevents it from going all the way over. Whoops, not that great of a design when you want to be flipped back, eh?

With about 1:10 left, SABotage finally flips Double Agent back to its original state. Double Agent quickly drives over some killsaws, sending flecks of armor flying and sending Double Agent into SABotage.

Well, enough of that. SABotage gets back under Double Agent's side and flips it upside-down again. It's more fun for SABotage that way.

They're out of time. Double Agent spins a couple times. Huh?

It's another 34-11 decision. For SABotage, of course.

Now that Double Agent has lost, let's watch a clip about its builders. The clip is about how they got free metalwork done in exchange for helping put together a fireworks show. Thrilling, isn't it?

Keystone Light sponsors clips of old fights. This week it's Ziggo putting the hurt on Scrap Daddy LW 55. Reminds me of how Nightmare once destroyed Slam Job. Of course, that clip has been so permanently etched into my brain that putting on socks reminds me of Nightmare destroying Slam Job.

Tim Green interviews Fon Davis, and they talk exclusively about how Mouser Super Mecha-Catbot is good at being propelled by the killsaws. Looking at the middleweight ladder in the background, I can see that Complete Control will be fighting F5 in the future. Should be interesting. More interesting than this part of the show, where they try to fill time without actually showing a fight.

Second half beginning. Yet another middleweight fight. T-Minus is a miniature version of Toro. Sunshine Lollibot has a vertical spinning blade with several teeth.

Now we're going to take a "Roboprobe" into the life of T-Minus's Alexander Rose. I think it's Comedy Central's goal to not repeat any title card for its builder segments.

We see Alexander playing with a Toro Grip 'n Grappler -- now only $10.00 or less at your local store!

Alexander has built a flamethrower that shoots fire 350 feet into the air. He's no fun when he goes duck hunting.

The robots are introduced. Mark Beiro actually sings the words "Sunshine Lollibot" to something similar to the tune of " Sunshine Lollipops and Rainbows." Lesley Gore immediately files a lawsuit against him -- not because he's using her song, but because he really, really can't sing.

Buzz buzz buzz buzz, it's robot fightin' time. T-Minus is a little hesitant going after Sunshine Lollibot, what with Sunshine Lollibot's blade going at full speed. Very deadly-looking. It drives around, avoiding Sunshine Lollibot. Every time Sunshine Lollibot tries to turn, one of its front wheels is lifted off the ground due to the spinning force of the blade (it's a physics thing). Maybe T-Minus is trying to get Sunshine Lollibot to flip itself over.

Sunshine Lollibot gets its blade to touch T-Minus, but no visible damage is done. T-Minus gets under Sunshine Lollibot and -- whee! -- flings Sunshine Lollibot high into the air. Any higher, and Sunshine Lollibot would be disqualified for exceeding the height limit on jumping robots.

Amazingly, Sunshine Lollibot falls squarely on its wheels. So T-Minus comes in again and gives Sunshine Lollibot a smaller flip, knocking Sunshine Lollibot onto its back. Sunshine Lollibot's blade continues to spin, rotating the robot in one place.

Sunshine Lollibot's blade quits moving, which means it's time to count it out. T-Minus wants more, though, and flips Sunshine Lollibot back onto its wheels. If you look carefully, you can see T-Minus produce a small container of salt to rub into Sunshine Lollibot's wounds.

Sunshine Lollibot's blade spins slowly. T-Minus sets it up for another flip, but when the arm is activated, the flipping foot gets caught. T-Minus ends up flipping itself onto its back while Sunshine Lollibot remains on its wheels.

Since its flipping arm does little good when it's upside-down, T-Minus tries to flip itself back over. But with each activation of the flipping arm, T-Minus rotates itself 360 degrees in the air, landing back on its head.

This isn't too much of a problem for T-Minus, because its tires are big enough that it can run upside-down. Sunshine Lollibot has the problems right now, as it isn't moving.

Bill Nye quickly tells us the tech specs on T-Minus' arm, then Sunshine Lollibot is counted out. T-Minus remains on its head.

Yep, there's the Nightmare/Slam Job clip. I knew they wouldn't let us down. Eighteen.

Next up it's Dawn of Destruction versus Diesector. Dawn of Destruction's weapon is a lifting ramp. Diesector's weapons are jaws that clamp and lift and little pickaxes. Diesector is the current super heavyweight champion. But, hey don't underestimate those little flag thingies underneath Dawn of Destruction's ramp that look like teeth!

We see portions of an interview with Diesector's Donald Hutson about being the champion. The first question we see is "Are you proud of your nut?" Sigh...

The fight's about to start. We see that Diesector is driven by Donald while the each of its hammers is controlled by people to either side of Donald. Anybody familiar with a Super Nintendo controller will tell you that that's unnecessary.

The fight has started. Diesector is the first to strike, getting its jaws underneath Dawn of Destruction's side. It lifts, and pushes Dawn of Destruction into the wall, then under a sledgehammer.

Dawn of Destruction tries to escape, but like a magnet, Diesector won't leave its side. A couple of hits to the back from Diesector's hammers. So far, Dawn of Destruction hasn't done anything offensively.

Diesector pulls back so it can get its jaws back into the proper position. Dawn of Destruction just sits there so Diesector can ram into it and hit it with the hammers some more. Then Dawn of Destruction realizes that it maybe should escape. It does so by driving over the killsaws.

Bill Nye talks about Diesector's jaws while Diesector continues to follow Dawn of Destruction, whacking it with the hammers. When Bill leaves, Diesector has lifted Dawn of Destruction again. It lifts, and lifts... and puts Dawn of Destruction on its backside. That's the end of Dawn of Destruction.

To add insult to injury, Diesector continues to hammer away at Dawn of Destruction's exposed underbelly. The ref mercifully counts Dawn of Destruction out.

In the post-fight interview with Donald Hutson, the only thing he can say for Dawn of Destruction was that they were really heavy. When you think about it, that's not much of a compliment, given that Dawn of Destruction is a super heavyweight and all.

A few more results now. Trilobot shows no tolerance to No Tolerance III. Backlash puts some marks on Skid Mark. And MechaVore... um... beats... Surgeon General. Sorry.

They're going to end it tonight with the lightweights. Wedge of Doom has a steep wedge and a lifting arm. The Wacky Compass is a walker. Its weapon is a metal bar that moves somewhat. The Vegas odds of Wedge of Doom winning this fight are 1:2.

On the side of The Wacky Compass are the words, "Pete please be kind!" Without the cash bribe, that means nothing, The Wacky Compass.

Let's get this over with. As The Wacky Compass walks forward in a straight line to fight, Wedge of Doom simply drives around to its side and pushes it. A couple of tries, and Wedge of Doom places The Wacky Compass squarely over a killsaw. After the saw pushes The Wacky Compass off, Wedge of Doom pushes The Wacky Compass back on again. See, this is where it would have made more sense to have a robot named Sisyphus.

Tiring of the saws, Wedge of Doom pushes The Wacky Compass over near the loading ramp. The goal is to get The Wacky Compass under the sledgehammer, but it takes Wedge of Doom a little while to position everything properly to accomplish that. The Wacky Compass has about one foot still working, so the match continues.

Wedge of Doom finally gets in place and pushes The Wacky Compass onto the yellow circle. Pete is kind to Wedge of Doom, immediately dropping the hammer onto what I think was supposed to be The Wacky Compass' weapon.

Wedge of Doom overshoots its target, though, pushing The Wacky Compass past the range of the sledgehammer. But a quick turn around, and Wedge of Doom gets the center of The Wacky Compass directly under the hammer.

The hammer wails away at The Wacky Compass, hitting a hard part that won't give in. Wedge of Doom lifts The Wacky Compass so other parts might be broken, and the sledgehammer wrecks the "Pete please be kind!" sign. I love irony.

(Note: That may or may not be the correct definition of "irony." But Alanis Morissette has confounded the real definitions of the word so much that the mere fact that I'm pretty close to the actual meaning makes it look like I'm correct compared to her.)

When Bil presents the fictional battle stats, he says that the straight zeroes on The Wacky Compass' side has never been accomplished before. What about when you held up that "1" on a card, smart guy?

To fill up the rest of the time, Bill Nye talks about whether wedges are "cheap" battling robots. You hear the usual trash talk from people on both sides of the issue. Since I know you're all interested, here's my opinion. I don't like robots that don't have a weapon that can be activated. Which means that your basic wedges like Bad Attitude or Double Agent are lame in my book. All they are are just boxes on wheels, not fighting robots. But if you build a wedge with some sort of weapon attached, be it a lifting arm, a saw, or whatever, then you have a robot that's actually designed for combat. So Wedge of Doom, Voltronic, and SABotage are fine in my book.

(Also note that the weapons should actually be useful. Atomic Wedgie and Blood Moon, as far as I'm concerned, are just boring wedges because their spinning blades rarely even enter into a fight.)

And that's the end of the episode. Looking through the credits, I see that there's a statistician on the show. He must be the guy that tells us how many wins a robot has had from a certain square. I'm guessing that he's also the guy that has to count how many times Mouser Super Mecha-Catbot taps another robot with its tail for the "battle stats." Still, it's got to be a really cushy job. Just thought I'd make you feel better about your own real work. Good night, folks.


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